What does Fatherhood Really Mean?

Today is International Bereaved Father’s Day – and I find myself asking: What does fatherhood really mean?

The British dictionary defines “Fatherhood” as:

the state or responsibility of being a father.

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Or do we relate more to this definition of what a “Father” is: a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider.

Everyone’s experience of fatherhood is largely based on personal, lived experience. Therefore, fatherhood will likely look different to everyone.

Still, it is easy to imagine a man:

• Rocking his child to sleep.
• Teaching the little boy or girl how to kick a soccer ball.
• Wrestling in the living room.
• Helping with math homework.
• Staying awake till the daughter comes home from a date.
• Instructing his son how to drive.
• Walking his daughter down the aisle.

While all these images of fatherhood are lovely, they are extremely stereotypical. These are beautiful roles of fatherhood sure, and they are often played-up by Hollywood, but as any parent knows, there is much more than this involved in parenting.

Being a parent is hard! It can be a struggle, a frustration and sometimes include tears. I don’t think it is wise to idealize being a father (or a mother). It is hard work! It can be a challenging “state of being.”

Parenting is complex. So too is being a father.

When your child dies, I believe the “state of being a father” remains. There is still the desire to care and protect your little boy or girl. There is still the love that is beyond words and understanding. The ache remains. There was still this little life, not matter how long it lasted. The feelings are real.

Today, I want to affirm all the men that find themselves in the complex place of being a father without a child, of being a father missing one or more of his children.

The father’s role in that deceased child’s life will look different than the stereotypical images listed above, but the father will still parent the little boy or girl all his life. That is something to treasure.

This form of parenting will likely feel like getting ripped-off. We all want our babies with us, we all want to live through the ups and downs with them, and pass life’s precious milestones side by side. I acknowledge: this sucks!

I want my son Zachary with me so badly. I still feel incredibly powerless. It makes me mad, to be honest. I feel like I am missing out on so much – so when someone tells me that my form of “parenting” Zach will just look different, I get angry! BUT, it is all I have.

This form of parenting is quieter and less glamourous so to speak. It primarily involves remembrance and reflection.

I think about Dads who only have partial custody of their child. When that child is with the separated partner, the dad is no less of a Dad. I’m sure he thinks about his child, misses his son or daughter and wishes he or she were with him. Life is not easy. When the child dies, this ache of separation lasts a lifetime – but the “state of fatherhood” remains. It is evidenced in that missing, the ache, and the incredible love.

I hope this has been a helpful reflection today. Bereaved Father’s Day can be a frustrating reminder of what is lost, but it can also be a time to remember and celebrate with joy. I hope all bereaved fathers feel validated and loved today.

Hugs

Alexis Marie Chute

 

For a list of how to support a bereaved father today, and every day, AND how to care for yourself if you are a Dad without your child, please read: International Bereaved Father’s Day 2015