The Pregnancy Loss Journey – Guest Post by Christy
I want to introduce Christy to our community here at Wanted Chosen Planned. A month or so ago, Christy interviewed me for her podcast called Pregnancy Loss Journey, which will air around the time my memoir, Expecting Sunshine, hits the shelves in April, 2017. Christy and I talked on the phone long after the podcast interview was wrapped up. It amazes me how she has contributed so much to bereaved moms and dads while she is still under a year from her loss of Chloe Grace. Christy’s story is inspiring and I hope you also find comfort and new perspectives as you read. Welcome Christy!
The Pregnancy Loss Journey
On May 23, 2016, Chloe Grace was delivered into this world, stillborn. My heart soared the moment they laid her on my chest. She was absolutely perfect. I couldn’t believe that we had made a baby this beautiful. This baby with curly brown hair and her daddy’s ears. This 3 pound, 16 inch baby, wrapped in a pink fleece blanket. My daughter. I couldn’t get enough of her. I tried to memorize all of her delicate features, but there would never be enough time.
Life is all about the little moments. Those moments that, when we look back on them, become nostalgia. Call it being present, mindful, or relishing in the moment. It’s those moments that matter after the death of a child.
Yet, for most of my life, I’ve lived for the big moments: the boyfriend, the engagement, the marriage, the first apartment, the new car, the first home, the vacation, the baby. These things are great until your life crashes down all around you.
When my daughter died, my future died with her. I walked away from my career, no longer able to mentally handle the child abuse and neglect present in my social work job. My dream of being a mom crumbled. My desire to experience change and be adventurous disappeared. I no longer had a future and in turn, I no longer knew what I was living for. Grief combined with the loss of purpose was a nasty combination.
In some ways, I lost a huge part of my identity. Who was I, if I wasn’t a mom? If I didn’t have a job? If I lost all desire for my passions?
If I was going to make it through the loss of my daughter with my heart and soul intact, I needed to change my entire life perspective. I needed to live for each day, not the future. The future was no longer an exciting idea with endless possibilities. It was shaky. I couldn’t base the foundation of my purpose on a crumbling surface.
So I did a complete makeover of my thoughts and focus. I wrote down all the little things I loved. My list looked something like this: snuggling in a comfy blanket with the cats while watching a movie; drinking a hot cup of tea after dinner; taking a candle lit bath while listening to an audio book; talking on the porch with my husband; playing a game while eating dinner; going on a walk with a friend.
Then I began to incorporate these little moments into my day to day experience. I even found moments in my day that I didn’t appreciate and started to revamp those. And you know what happened? I began to find enjoyment again. A reason to truly live for each day. This is the only day I’m given; I’m not guaranteed the future.
Slowly, I’m finding a new purpose. Because of my daughter, I started the Pregnancy Loss Journey website and podcast. This gift through which I have met amazing loss moms and organizations. It’s not the purpose I had imagined for myself and I would give it up in a second to have my daughter back. But it’s a beautiful outpouring that was brought forth from her existence and her death.
I learned something that day in the hospital, that would come to fruition eight months later: the importance of true presence. The moment I held my precious daughter for the first and last time, I was 100% in that room. I wasn’t focused on the past or the future. I was just present. I want to live my entire life the way I lived for those 2 hours in the hospital. To relish in each moment, rather than be nostalgic for them later. Because sometimes, a moment is all we ever have.
You can learn more about Pregnancy Loss Journey by clicking here.