Bedtime
Tonight, my son Eden did not want to be alone. As he lay in his crib, drowsy yet awake, he rolled over again and again to make sure I was still there. I did not want to be alone either and picked up my baby and he curled himself around my shoulder in response, my cheek resting on his head. I rocked him, hummed ‘his song’ and simply let our bodies be warm and snuggly together. These are the precious moments of parenthood. As I rocked Eden to sleep, my thoughts flashed quickly to Zach. For all the thousands of bed times I wish I could rock him to sleep, I somehow must be content with the one chance I had to hold him in my arms. I still remember the embrace fondly. I cradled him many hours after he was still. Pulling him close, I smelled his skin and kissed his...
Read MoreRadio Silence
I have to apologize for not posting in a month. The radio silence was unintentional and I assure you I have a long list of encouraging and challenging posts stored up (coming soon). At the end of June I began my MFA (masters degree in fine art). While the focus of my studies is creative writing, my blog writing has taken a bit of a back seat to my big project on the go: my memoir. I encourage anyone who has lost a child and is struggling with grief to be creative. The arts – in all its many forms – were a huge tool I used to help along my journey of loss after Zachary died. Writing was an amazing outlet. As a part of my grad studies I am focusing on doing a first edit of my memoir. It is a huge job! The process is interesting as well because it puts...
Read MoreArt and Healing in The Quiet Rebuild
After Zachary died, I lost myself. This included ‘Alexis Marie Chute the artist.’ It wasn’t until I began to fight my way out of what I call my Year of Distraction that I rediscovered this part of myself. For the last year I have been the Artist in Residence at an Edmonton based gallery and artist run centre called Harcourt House. It is at Harcourt House that I have been creating a body of art called The Quiet Rebuild. This work centers on the idea that we humans have amazing resiliency to rebuild our lives after hardship. If you are reading this and have lost a child, you know what I mean. You are forced to move on without someone very precious to you. Even though you may scream in pain or weep away all your tears, the journey of rebuilding your life is a quiet,...
Read MoreGiving Grace & Understanding
I’ve had several times in my life where I have experienced truly rude and insensitive people. I’m sure anyone who has lost a child has come in contact with oblivious individuals who say things that leave a sting. Yet this phenomenon is not isolated. There was a woman who yelled at me in Michaels when I accidentally budded her in line. There was a woman who told my daughter to “shut up” when she was crying in the bathroom of an art gallery. I’m sure you could add to this list. We all need to extend grace to each other. Instead of assuming the worst, let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure most people have good intentions. If we all were to live like this, I believe the world would be a much happier place. One of these ‘rude encounters’ occurred as...
Read More“Lottery of Loss” via Men Get Pregnant Too
Kenny Bodanis writes a parenting blog with the awesome name, “Men Get Pregnant Too.” I love it. Anyway, I had the awesome opportunity of guest blogging for Kenny (THANK YOU!). I wrote a post called, “The Lottery of Loss.” I figured a daddy blog would appreciate some stats and that’s what I gave them. I had a really great experience writing “Lottery of Loss,” it clicked. I talk about the stats that we want to be, the good numbers. Then there are the stats that we run from screaming. Unfortunately I became one of the unfortunate statistics when Zach died. If you are reading my blog maybe you are with me. Please visit Men Get Pregnant to and read my post. Please click here to visit “Lottery of Loss.” Read other posts by Kenny by visiting his blog:...
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