Grief Triggers (Warning: Sensitive Images for Bereaved Parents)
Triggers can be anything that make you think about your loss, struggle and grief. I have had all kinds of triggers since Zachary died and I can guess that many others have experienced these as well: The expiration date on food. The sound of your baby’s name. The hospital. The route to the hospital. Anniversaries. Babies in general. While triggers can cause our emotions to flare, I try to think about my child in those moments. In that way, triggers can be a lovely opportunity for remembrance. The challenge is when these triggers startle us so badly that we cannot cope in the moment. In those cases, the best plan is to remove ourselves from those situations and find a safe place to sit and take a few long, calming breaths. I had an over-the-top trigger experience...
Read MoreTalking to Kids about Death
When Zachary died, Hannah was eleven months old. She came to the hospital after her younger brother died in my arms. She was very curious and touched Zachary’s head. She was all smiles despite the sniffles and tears in the room. She didn’t understand what had happened then, but she does now – I think. I have had many discussions with Hannah about where her first little brother went. She calls him Zachy. While I sometimes stretch the truth with Hannah, telling her things like she will go to kid jail if she is mean, I somehow felt compelled to tell her the truth about Zachary. I told her that Zachary died. I told her that Mommy and Daddy were very sad – although she must have sensed this. I tried very hard to be happy for her, but she would rest her hand on my...
Read MoreLoving Deeply means Grieving Deeply
I was at The Compassionate Friends of America National Conference to be a speaker. I was not there for myself, or at least that’s what I thought. My husband Aaron and I arrived the day before the conference officially began and registered with a friendly lady who gave us the program and lanyards. All of a sudden I couldn’t see. The woman was blurry in front of me. I blinked long and hard. Aaron looked at me, “Are you alright?” “Fine, I’m fine,” I said but my voice caught in my throat… The opening ceremony was the next morning. “What’s wrong with me?” I asked Aaron. All of a sudden my eyes started leaking again. This time my chest heaved as I tried to muffle my weeping. “This is so embarrassing,” I said, but as I looked around I saw that no one cared and actually...
Read MoreBleeding Hearts
I received a lovely email the other day from my mother-in-law. This is what she said: Hi Alexis Marie, I was out in my garden today, and the tulip I planted in Zachary’s honor after ‘Walk To Remember’ a couple years ago is in full bloom. But this year it is coming up with a shrub I had planted last year and it is in bloom at the same time. The name of the shrub – Bleeding Heart. Very special to me, and I know it would be to you as well. Love, Mom The bleeding heart. What a perfect picture of the grieving parent. For a long time I felt the jagged edges of what I could only describe as a broken heart but recently I was reading a book that used other symbolism to represent parental bereavement. Such symbols included a tea pot and a cracked nut, both able to hold...
Read MoreFamily Planning After the Death of a Child
“You’ll know when you’re done.” That’s what people often say when I tell them I’m not sure if I’m finished having children. I used to be more decisive with the number of kids I wanted to have. I once wanted six. Oh boy, right? Then it was three to four. After Zachary died I was sure I wanted four living children. Now that I am thoroughly enjoying my career, and free hands as Eden is a year-and-a-half old, I wonder if two living children is enough. While my numbers fluxed over the years, in those moments I was always confident. That’s not the case these days. The trouble with family planning is that there is no magic eight ball to shake and give you the perfect answer. I find the more I talk it out with girlfriends, the more uncertain I am one way or the other....
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