Answerless Questions after the Death of a Child
Is it a form of self-torture to ask yourself questions you’re aware have no answers? I’ve been mentally debating this lately. What is your opinion? At my daughter’s birthday party a while back one of the young guests’ parents came up to me and startled me with what he said. (Let’s call him Tim.) Tim had just been speaking with my husband Aaron and I guessed that they had been talking about Zachary. It turned out that Tim was a pediatric physician and he told me that if Zachary had lived he would have been in Tim’s care. This startled me because I had never thought about what type of post delivery care my son would have needed if he lived. At the time of the birthday party I did not let myself think about Tim’s words, busy with face painting and cake cutting, but...
Read MoreObjects that Help us Remember
One of the tough parts about losing a child is the lack of physical mementos of their life. It is easy to take stock of what I have that reminds me of Zachary: A blanket One sleeper The bear the hospital gave my husband and I His newborn identification bracelet One unfinished album of photographs A velvet blue box containing the urn of my son’s ashes The cards and few gifts that we received at the memorial This collection seems small but I know very well that it is more than some people have. For some there are no objects that remind them of their child. This may be especially true for those who have an early miscarriage. I’m a collector at heart – not of the expected sort of things like stamps or records or coins. As a child I plucked rocks from beaches and...
Read MoreRadio Silence
I have to apologize for not posting in a month. The radio silence was unintentional and I assure you I have a long list of encouraging and challenging posts stored up (coming soon). At the end of June I began my MFA (masters degree in fine art). While the focus of my studies is creative writing, my blog writing has taken a bit of a back seat to my big project on the go: my memoir. I encourage anyone who has lost a child and is struggling with grief to be creative. The arts – in all its many forms – were a huge tool I used to help along my journey of loss after Zachary died. Writing was an amazing outlet. As a part of my grad studies I am focusing on doing a first edit of my memoir. It is a huge job! The process is interesting as well because it puts...
Read MoreWalk to Remember Today in Edmonton
Today is the annual Walk to Remember in Edmonton, Alberta which celebrates young lives lost much too soon. The details: Where: Bandshell, legislative grounds, Edmonton. Noon: Picnic, bring lunch and a blanket to sit on. 1:00pm: The program will begin. 1:15: The walk will begin (approx 40 minutes). 2:00pm: Return to the bandshell for a reading of the baby names. This will be my fourth year attending the Walk to Remember. It is a gentle event that will allow you the precious pause to think about your child, grieve and move forward. If you attend, please find me and say hi! I’d love to meet...
Read MoreArt and Healing in The Quiet Rebuild
After Zachary died, I lost myself. This included ‘Alexis Marie Chute the artist.’ It wasn’t until I began to fight my way out of what I call my Year of Distraction that I rediscovered this part of myself. For the last year I have been the Artist in Residence at an Edmonton based gallery and artist run centre called Harcourt House. It is at Harcourt House that I have been creating a body of art called The Quiet Rebuild. This work centers on the idea that we humans have amazing resiliency to rebuild our lives after hardship. If you are reading this and have lost a child, you know what I mean. You are forced to move on without someone very precious to you. Even though you may scream in pain or weep away all your tears, the journey of rebuilding your life is a quiet,...
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