An Unnamed Stage of Fear after the Loss a Baby
Am I regressing? I did slack in my relaxation techniques over the summer? I am starting to feel anxious for my living children’s safety on a daily basis. The thought of losing another child is never far from my mind and thus all activities, outings, even simple things are peppered with worry. If my newborn sleeps longer than normal, I lay in bed worrying about SIDS. We recently visited a farm and my two year old daughter rode a horse and I nervously stood by fretting about the animal bucking. I’m anxious about drowning at bath time and during swim lessons, choking at meals, being hit by a car as we cross the street. This I feel is the tangible reality, the daily stress of living life after the loss of a child. I have known a sorrow so great that my new-self is...
Read MoreSynchronicity in our Shared Experience
It is called synchronicity in the law of attraction; when things align and come together in an almost magical, seemingly ordained manner. Last week I read a Winnie the Pooh book to my daughter and felt sweet encouragement for the journey of navigating the emotional days following the loss of my baby Zachary. I posted last Wednesday about these amazing words that Christopher Robin spoke to Pooh, words that seemed as if they were written specifically for me. Then, as I was looking around on the Edmonton Walk to Remember website, I was thrilled to find the same quote by A. A. Milne on the home page atop sweetly drawn trees with a blue bird perched above. Coincidence? I doubt it. It seems like the universe or God or whoever/whatever is out there is trying to tell...
Read MoreAlexis Marie Chute, Speaker at Walk to Remember, Edmonton 2012
I have accepted the honor of being the keynote speaker at Walk to Remember this year, which will be held in Edmonton at the end of September. When I got the call from one of the organizers asking me to speak, my first reaction was one of overwhelming gratitude and humility. Walk to Remember has played an important role in my life since I lost my son and even prior. My first time attending, back in 2010, I was only two weeks shy of losing Zachary. I was 28 weeks pregnant and round, carrying my ever present grief very physically within me. My husband and I knew what was coming for our son; it was only a matter of time. A beautiful yet sad women approached me and said, “You must be so happy to be pregnant again,” as she lay a longing hand on my stomach. “Actually,”...
Read MoreHaving a Baby after Losing a Baby: The First Month of Life
I made it through! I have now had a baby after losing a baby. To even write these words is surreal; a miracle. I spent the nine months pre-birth engaged in a labor of a different sort; I allowed myself time to grieve and process this ‘new normal.’ I intentionally searched within myself to find healing and happiness. It was not an easy road; the path bumpy and winding – yet worth every ounce of effort. I cannot imagine having had my child without this self-nurturing and reviving process. My son Eden was born a month ago and since then I have been whisked into the cycle of short days broken up by feedings and the total adjustment of every aspect of life that a newborn brings. What I focus on is my positive delivery and the good health of my child. I cannot express...
Read MoreMemorial Reflections – Death does not discriminate
Sunday was the annual city wide memorial for families who have lost children, babies passed both in the womb and shortly after birth. My husband Aaron, our daughter Hannah and I arrived about fifteen minutes before the service began. We sat with my father and his girlfriend and Aaron’s dad. At this point the chapel room in the funeral home was only a quarter full but as the service start time approached, every pew was full, people directed to sit in the overflow area on the far side of the room. Eventually, the back of the chapel was crowded with families standing; even out towards the entrance was crowded. This many people gathering together would normally be a wonderful turnout if the event were, say, a wedding, conference, or concert. While we all gathered to...
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