Out of Sight but Not Out of Mind
I’m sure you have heard the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind.” It makes me think of all the little household projects I want to do but haven’t gotten around to since the supplies are tucked neatly away. Whenever I open our laundry room cupboard I see the paint to touch up our scratched table and think, ‘Oh ya, I forgot about that!’ but once the door is closed once more I forget about the paint all over again. Out of sight, out of mind. This phrase bothers me when I think about Zachary. He is not with me, he is not physically in sight but that does not mean he is ever far from my mind. I think about my son every day. For me, my child is out of sight but not out of mind. One blessing of having other children is being able to look at them and see my son. Hannah...
Read MoreSharing our Children’s Birth Stories
I read an interesting post called “Family Storytelling” on the blog for the Centre for Family Literacy. The post was by Jonna Grad and encouraged parents to tell their children the story of their birth. The idea is to build strong bonds and encourage language development through oral storytelling. I remember my mom telling me the story of my birth when I was young. We would cuddle up before I went to sleep and she would describe the wintery night when she went into labor with me and how her and my dad rushed to the hospital. These are precious memories. After reading “Family Storytelling” I asked my 3 year old daughter Hannah if she wanted to hear the story of when she was born. She eagerly nodded with much curiosity. After telling her the story multiple times,...
Read MoreDistractions? There are Pros and Cons
After Zachary died, I entered what I call “The Year of Distraction.” During that time I did everything but face my grief head on. My husband and I shopped for houses and moved within six months. I amped up my photography business and photographed as many weddings as possible, working long hours and locking myself in the office afterwards to edit. We went on an expensive vacation. Fitness because a huge focus for me and I filled up my time with exercise classes, not to mention children’s art and sport classes for my daughter. “The Year of Distraction” was a time full of life and from the outside many may have assumed that I was trudging along and handling the circumstances quite well. On the inside, however, I was avoiding the issue, avoiding grief and looking for...
Read MoreKids ‘Get’ Baby Loss; The Compassion of One Young Boy
A month ago I wrote, “We Can Learn from Children’s Response to Death,” and this is a follow up post to that. It was a few months ago, at Roots of Empathy, that I told the students in the grade two class about the death of my second child Zachary. At the time I guessed many of them could not comprehend my words as they sat watching my third child, Eden, play with toys on the blanket in front of us. How could a baby die, right? Actually, I was very wrong. Then, at my most recent visit to the school, one seven year old boy spoke up and touched my heart. As a class we were discussing Eden’s eating habits and out of the blue this student said to me: “I’m sad that Zachary died.” “Me too,” I said. “I wish he hadn’t died so that you could be happy.” “Thank you,” is all I...
Read MoreSurviving Easter After the Death of Your Baby (Plus a slight digression)
After Zachary died, I had well meaning Christian friends tell me, “Lean on God. He understands the death of a child. His son died too.” At the time I thought, okay, that’s an interesting point – but then Easter pops up every calendar year. It is a time of pastel pinks, yellows and blues, joyful children racing around on the hunt for chocolate bunnies and hidden treasures in a holiday geared for families. At least that’s the general picture of Easter in my mind but for many it is also a time to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. I know this is not a helpful rabbit trail to go down, but I’m jealous that God got his son back. After Zachary’s diagnosis I prayed and prayed; my husband fasted. We read the Bible and were hopeful that our son would live....
Read MorePut on Your Own Oxygen Mask Before Assisting Others
In anticipation for a trip I took recently I employed a technique I often use when packing. Visualization. As a self confessed over packer, I have been trying to bring only that which I will actually use. In this process, as I was imagining all the things I’d need to pack for the kids on the plane, I heard these familiar words in my head: “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” Then POW, a realization hit me… After your child dies, your first responsibility is your own grief. Work through it, cry it out, mourn in the way that is authentic to you, read books, go on long walks, scream into a pillow, talk with a friend – whatever you need for however long feels right. Then, and only you will know when, you will be ready to support others in...
Read MoreAmazing Inspiration for Amazing Race Canada
The Edmonton Journal featured my husband Aaron and I and our children in an article called, “Edmonton-area Teams Vie for Spot on Amazing Race,” published on March 2, 2013 by Elizabeth Withey. That’s right, we have officially applied to run the race of a life time – and do it all for one very special little man. While the applicants’ reasons for racing vary, Aaron and I applied for Amazing Race Canada to run for our sweet Zachary. After losing a child, mourning takes place not only for the precious child but also the future imagined for them; a future full of experiences, relationships and meaning. When Aaron and I heard about Amazing Race Canada, we thought, ‘What a great way for us to have a huge adventure and do things that Zachary will never have the...
Read MoreLove is the True Healer
After writing about the cliché that says ‘time heals all wounds,’ I concluded that time is not our healer but our helper. Thus, my search continued to answer the question: Want can heal a broken heart? The answer is simple. It’s LOVE. No matter the type of loss, everything hinges on love. Many couples who have lost a child believe having another baby will heal them – but what is actually healing is LOVE. Having another baby is healing because it brings a tremendous amount of love into our lives in a very visceral and tangible way. Yet, if having a baby was the only way to heal after the loss of a child, what then for those who cannot have more children? Are they sentenced to a life without resolution to their pain? Of course not. Finding healing is not...
Read MoreWe Can Learn from Children’s Response to Death
Since the fall, I have participated in a program called Roots of Empathy. In “Roots” I bring my son Eden to a grade two class every month of the school year and the children observe Eden grow and learn. I often talk about Eden’s older sister and our family. Since the beginning of Roots I wondered if I should tell the kids about Zachary. I hummed and hawed over this decision every month and I eventually asked the program teacher if it was appropriate, or possibly too upsetting for the young children. She said, “If you are comfortable, go for it!” When an opportunity arose, I did talk about Zachary to my Root’s kids and their reaction was touching and profoundly instructive for adults on how to address death. Unlike many adults I’ve interacted with, the kids did...
Read MoreKind Words for Wanted, Chosen, Planned
It was wonderful to receive word this week that Wanted, Chosen, Planned was nominated for The Yeggies. You may be wondering, ‘What on earth is a Yeggie?” Short answer, The Yeggies are an Edmonton (YEG) New Media Award which honours local content creators. Wanted, Chosen, Planned was nominated in the “Best in Family or Parenting” category. While even just the nomination is a huge blessing, the comments left by nominators were really what got me. My greatest hope is for my writing and speaking to be an encouragement to others who have lost a child. I want my experience of loss and journey navigating this ‘new normal’ to help others along the way. For me, to hear that my readers are connecting with my words is the greatest reward. Here are some of the comments:...
Read MoreAbundantly Thankful
Yesterday morning got off on the wrong foot; everything seemed to be off. I have become a big believer in positivity and the idea that our feelings or mood will attract more of the same into our lives. With that in mind, I began trying to change my outlook on the day. One of my friends recently lost her grandfather and asked me if I could photograph his Celebration of Life. The first reaction in my heart was: ‘Absolutely! Anything I can do to help!’ – But since losing Zachary, I have had a much more complicated response to funerals and death. I began to worry that photographing the memorial may be too emotional as already I was crying for my friend’s loss and lamenting how short life is (even when it stretches 70 years and beyond). I nervously shared these...
Read MoreDoes Time Heal all Wounds?
After Zachary died, many people quoted the cliché saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Not only did this ignite my anger but it also motivated me to prove them all wrong. ; “Time doesn’t heal anything,” I said to myself, “I will always be heartbroken for my child.” ; ; 2 years, 2 months, 26 days, 12 hours, 39 minutes and 10 (or so) seconds have passed since my son died in my arms. Has time healed me? Or was I right that the saying, “Time heals,” is a big crock? ; What I discovered is that neither extreme is correct. From my experience over the last two years I have learned that the nature of Time is gentle; not black and white, not the scenario that one moment you mourn and the next thing you know, time passes and...
Read MoreChristmas Expectations
Christmas is “the best time of the year” as the song goes; a time filled with family and togetherness. But what if one member of the family is missing and the feeling of togetherness is tainted with loss? What if that missing person is your child? This is my scenario and likely yours if you are reading this blog. You may be thinking, ‘My child has died and yet everyone expects me to be merry. Yah right!’ Or maybe you hope that the spirit of the season will carry you away as you have great expectations for a holiday full of joy. I realized something this week as I pondered these things: Christmas is not perfect. Even without factoring in the loss of a child, Christmas is not the flawless “best time of the year” we tend to expect....
Read MoreHappy Second Birthday, Zachary
It has been almost a month since the second birthday (death day) of my son Zachary. I wanted to write about his birthday on the day, but found no time for it amongst the special family time we had planned. I meant to reflect on my blog about it the next day and the day following, but couldn’t find the words. Then a week passed and still, I could not bring myself to write. Why? I wondered. Why am I finding it so difficult to express where I am at or bring myself to share this very special day? Zachary’s birthday was full of many sweet times. We woke up in the morning as a family of four remembering our fifth. We drove to the Muttart Conservatory; a group of four glass pyramids in the heart of the city, greenhouses that glowed in the pale light of morning. We...
Read MoreWalk to Remember Speech by Alexis Marie Chute
Walk to Remember took place today and I am so thankful that I was asked to share words of encouragement with those who gathered. Here is my speech. I hope it touched those who attended the Walk but can also live on to encourage others who read it here on my blog. Love to you all. Walk to Remember 2012 – Children Remain in the Heart Hello, my name is Alexis Marie Chute. Thank you for the honor of speaking to you today. The first time I attended Walk to Remember I was 28 weeks pregnant with my second child, Zachary. My husband and I kept to ourselves, somberly observing. After the event, a sweet young woman approached, laid a hand on my stomach and with tears in her eyes, said, “You must be so happy to be pregnant again!” “Actually,” I told her as I hugged my baby...
Read MoreMothering After the Death of a Baby
It has been almost a month since I posted “An Unnamed Stage of Fear after the Loss of a Baby” and I still do not have concrete answers about how to mother without fear. I would love it if I could post a pretty list of ten things to do to parent normally after having lost a child but thinking about it only made my brain hurt. There are no easy answers. I did, however, have a breakthrough this morning that I think can help. My newborn slept through the night last night and while many mothers would be cheering, I woke frequently and watched the clock. I resisted the urge to run into my baby’s room every few minutes to make sure he was still breathing. Instead I continuously told myself, “Eden is okay. He’s fine. It’s okay…” Then I eventually heard him! While...
Read MoreCTV Interview Tomorrow for Walk to Remember
News reporter Marni Kuhlman will be interviewing Patti Walker, regional bereavement coordinator, and I tomorrow on CTV. We will be talking about the Walk to Remember which takes place this coming Saturday at the Legislature grounds in Edmonton. In the report I will be sharing about my experience losing a child and may give a sneak peak to my speech for the Walk. Interview details: CTV – Channel 2 on Tuesday, September 25, 2012 The show runs from 12 noon till 1pm with the interview near the end of the program. Tune in if you...
Read MoreAttend the Walk to Remember and Ways to Give
The Walk to Remember is less than three weeks away. Are you planning to attend? Walk to Remember is for anyone who has lost a child, at any stage of pregnancy or in early infancy. Of course friends and family are welcome. It is a time for celebration, remembrance and camaraderie. Life is busy – and while I think of my son Zachary daily, I cherish the Walk to Remember for its poignant message and sweet atmosphere. I attend the Walk to Remember to halt life’s rush and simply reflect, cry, and openly miss my beautiful boy. I encourage anyone sitting on the fence about attending, to come and remember with me. Registering for the event ensures your child’s name will be written on the sidewalk in chalk along the path of the walk and read aloud during the ceremony. You...
Read MoreAn Unnamed Stage of Fear after the Loss a Baby
Am I regressing? I did slack in my relaxation techniques over the summer? I am starting to feel anxious for my living children’s safety on a daily basis. The thought of losing another child is never far from my mind and thus all activities, outings, even simple things are peppered with worry. If my newborn sleeps longer than normal, I lay in bed worrying about SIDS. We recently visited a farm and my two year old daughter rode a horse and I nervously stood by fretting about the animal bucking. I’m anxious about drowning at bath time and during swim lessons, choking at meals, being hit by a car as we cross the street. This I feel is the tangible reality, the daily stress of living life after the loss of a child. I have known a sorrow so great that my new-self is...
Read MoreSynchronicity in our Shared Experience
It is called synchronicity in the law of attraction; when things align and come together in an almost magical, seemingly ordained manner. Last week I read a Winnie the Pooh book to my daughter and felt sweet encouragement for the journey of navigating the emotional days following the loss of my baby Zachary. I posted last Wednesday about these amazing words that Christopher Robin spoke to Pooh, words that seemed as if they were written specifically for me. Then, as I was looking around on the Edmonton Walk to Remember website, I was thrilled to find the same quote by A. A. Milne on the home page atop sweetly drawn trees with a blue bird perched above. Coincidence? I doubt it. It seems like the universe or God or whoever/whatever is out there is trying to tell...
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