My Life Line – Guest Blog by Patti Walker
I am pleased to introduce a wonderful woman, Patti Walker, the Regional Bereavement Coordinator at Alberta Health Services. It is an honour for me to share Patti’s story here on Wanted Chosen Planned. She was a support for me after Zach died, and for so many other bereaved families – and after reading her story you will understand where her compassion comes from. Love you Patti. Patti’s Story: I have been asked by Alexis Marie to share my story and how important ParentCare has been in my healing. I am not a writer – but here we go……….. My husband (Cam) and I were married June 11, 1988. We immediately moved from Calgary were I had grown up and all my support system was. We moved to Edmonton. We had talked about starting a family, but I...
Read MoreCelebrating Sweeties Launch
I am so proud to launch “Celebrating Sweeties” on Wanted Chosen Planned! This website is more than just a blog; Wanted Chosen Planned is a community where all are welcome to share their experience of losing a child and what life entails afterwards. I passionately believe we are stronger together – and that is what this community is built on: sharing, support and compassion. Celebrating Sweeties is a dedication page for Wanted Chosen Planned. It is a place to honour and remember. I invite families to email me at info@alexismariechute.com with three things: Your child’s name (or nickname or your last name, for example Baby Smith) Your child’s birthday A photograph if you have one (not required) I will place your child’s name, birth date and photograph into...
Read MoreYeggies New Media Nomination for Wanted Chosen Planned
I am honoured that Wanted Chosen Planned has been nominated for a Yeggie, an Edmonton media and blogging award, for three years in a row. That tells me that people are reading – thank you so much for that! Sharing my life since losing my son Zachary is both a blessing and a challenging reminder, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to help other people. That is what makes everything worth while. When Zach died, I felt so alone in the world. I believed that no one understood and that my burden was mine to carry alone. I have since found, through opening up about my experience, that we as a community of bereaved families can lean on each other and offer hard earned wisdom that only those who have walked through the valley of the shadow of death couple...
Read MoreWill My Family Ever Be Complete? The Decision to have a Child after Loss
Having children after the death of a child can be one of the scariest decisions and processes there is. For some, conception alone is not an easy road. For others, the stress only begins when the two pink lines appear… side-by-side with the realization that nine months is a long time to worry for the safety and health of your next child. BUT, before all these joys and worries, is the decision to have another child in the first place. I believe it is important to note that not everyone has this ability to chose – and that is a loss worth grieving in itself. The very question of whether or not to try again can cause an emotional rollercoaster. Of course the decision to have more children is influenced by many factors – yet for people who have previously lost...
Read MoreThe Compassionate Friends National Conference 2015
I will be presenting at the 38th annual National Conference for The Compassionate Friends. The conference is for people to remember, celebrate and grieve the death of their child, grandchild or sibling. The event will take place July 10 to 12, 2015 in Dallas Texas. My two workshop sessions are: Art-Making to Rejuvenate Bereavement Professionals and Volunteers Creative Writing to Rejuvenate Bereavement Professionals and Volunteers While it is always emotional being in community with other bereaved parents, grandparents, siblings and friends, the opportunity to reflect and grow through grief is a time I treasure. If you want more information about The Compassionate Friends National Conference, please click here. If you would like to bring these or other...
Read MoreThe Ripple Effects of Loss
On the outside I look like a normal functioning person, but the ripple effects of my son’s death still startle me. Just this week, the day home woman who cares for my two living kids asked me if I was okay if she ran an errand taking her daughter and my two-year-old son Eden with her (the older kids were still in school). Her request shouldn’t have bothered me since she takes the two toddlers to music class every week – but for some reason I was petrified. Maybe it was my mood that day, but all I could picture was a car crash and my son being badly injured… Or worse. Since Zachary, I tend to imagine the unthinkable in terms of my living children’s safety. I fixated on that car trip all morning and texted the woman asking her to let me know once they were...
Read MoreHas the way you celebrate your deceased child changed over time?
Four and a half years have passed since Zachary died. I am a different person now than I once was – and so too has my family changed since our loss. We have grown – not only in number as we welcomed Eden two years ago, but we are also growing-up as our kids’ age and my husband and I pursue education and careers. In many ways I feel my grief and my need for acts of remembrance for Zachary have changed as well. Sometimes these feelings of change make me uncomfortable. Take Christmas for example. I want to remember that Zachary’s original due date was a few days before Christmas and I want to think about him as I spend time with my family over the holidays – but I don’t want to slip into the sadness of my loss amidst the happy times – not anymore. I once went...
Read MoreDo you want your deceased child’s name remembered in my book?
As many of you know, I have written a memoir called Expecting Sunshine about my experience of losing Zachary and having my next child Eden. I wrote the memoir back in 2011 and have been editing it for the last three LONG years. Crazy, I know, but I want it to be just right. Finally, as you read this, I am putting the finishing touches on the text and am excited to move forward in the next stages with my book. As I was editing just now, I had an idea! I have one scene where I am attending the Walk to Remember and am reading names along the sidewalk, looking for Zachary’s name. Currently, I have made-up names listed there – but I began to wonder if any of you would like to include your deceased child’s name. It could be a special way to commemorate your son...
Read MoreRemembering the Spark of Life: Today is Worldwide Candle Lighting
Please join me today in Worldwide Candle Lighting at 7pm. Whether a child dies in an early miscarriage or as an adult, their life was and continues to be tremendously precious. Light your candle for one hour and celebrate the life of your son or daughter, brother or sister, or grandchild. There are too few opportunities where we may slow down in our busy lives. This is one of those rare times and I encourage you to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings and body as you take an hour to reflect. Take a deep breath and cry if you need to or share stories and laugh. One of the most important aspects to grief and healing is that the process is as unique as every individual. Celebrate in the way that you feel comfortable. Here are some quotes to guide you as you...
Read MoreSave the Date: Worldwide Candle Lighting on December 14
In less than a week, The Compassionate Friends host Worldwide Candling Lighting. The heart of the event: “Light a candle for all children who have died… that their light may always shine.” The Worldwide Candle Lighting will take place Sunday, December 14, 2014 at 7pm creating a wave of light around the globe. The Compassionate Friends is an organization that supports families after the death of a child at any age. I attended their National Conference this past summer and it proved to be a very kind and thoughtful community. The organization encourages bereaved families to light a candle for one hour to “honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon.” To learn more about Worldwide Candling Lighting, please click...
Read MoreBereavement Documentaries
The Resource section of Wanted Chosen Planned is now updated with a section called Documentaries. There is tremendously important studies and research being done on stillbirth, SIDS, early infant loss, the effect of a sibling death and many other topics. I discovered this great site with documentaries based on this research and I hope you find it useful. Click here to visit the Wanted Chosen Planned Resources. Happy Friday everyone! Hugs & love ...
Read MoreWhen a Child Dies Please Remember: Siblings Grieve Too
I recently viewed a documentary out of Toronto presented by researcher Christine Jonas-Simpson called, “Always with Me: Understanding Bereaved Children Whose Baby Sibling Died.” This video, and the presentation given by Simpson, blew me away. I began to think about my children’s response to Zachary’s death in a new way. It may sound silly, but I never really imagined my young kids, five and two-years-old, to have their own grief. I always thought that they were sad because I was sad, or that they talked about Zachary because I did. What I realized while watching the research-based documentary: Kids have their own grief that is separate and unique from their parents. Different children will respond in different ways to the loss. It is good and healthy to talk to...
Read MoreGrief Triggers (Warning: Sensitive Images for Bereaved Parents)
Triggers can be anything that make you think about your loss, struggle and grief. I have had all kinds of triggers since Zachary died and I can guess that many others have experienced these as well: The expiration date on food. The sound of your baby’s name. The hospital. The route to the hospital. Anniversaries. Babies in general. While triggers can cause our emotions to flare, I try to think about my child in those moments. In that way, triggers can be a lovely opportunity for remembrance. The challenge is when these triggers startle us so badly that we cannot cope in the moment. In those cases, the best plan is to remove ourselves from those situations and find a safe place to sit and take a few long, calming breaths. I had an over-the-top trigger experience...
Read MoreFinding Inspiration in Baby Loss Nurses and Community
Early this November, nurses, chaplains, support workers, bereaved parents and many others gathered to participate in The 19 Biennial International Perinatal Bereavement Conference in San Antonio Texas. It was my first time attending the conference and I was immediately blown away by the compassion AND passion of those that support parents and families before and after their baby dies. I got to know many nurses local to my area that work at the Grey Nuns, Misericordia Hospital, Sturgeon Hospital and The Royal Alex. It was also lovely connecting with nurses and support workers from all over the world; from New York, Seattle, California and as far as New Zealand. I presented Healing through the Written Word and was honoured that additional chairs were needed at the...
Read MoreInfant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, Remembering my Baby Zachary
Today, October 15, is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. It is a time to share stories and find support. An even greater level of awareness is needed I believe around miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, early infant loss and all other types of losses. Why? Because these deaths are shockingly common, yet are not discussed openly to the same proportion. I still remember when Zachary died; I thought, “What has happened to me? I am all alone in this; flawed and outcast from motherhood.” I do not wish anyone else to feel that way – it was devastating and raw, as if my insides had been grated and my soul drowned in blackness. I attended a conference in September, a congress on baby loss and bereavement, and there met a host of doctors from around the world that are...
Read MoreBaby Steps Memorial Walk 2014 – Photos and Speech
This past weekend was a special time for many families as they gathered to celebrate the little babies they miss and love so much. The event was the 2014 Baby Steps Baby Loss Memorial Walk. I was honoured to be a part of it. Here are some of the highlights of the Walk in photographs – and also a video of my speech. There were lots of little kids present so the video is quite noisy, but I’m glad all those little munchkins were there! Just a little reminder, coming up next week is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day celebrated on October 15 every year. I have been partnering with Canadian magazine Today’s Parent to discuss loss and on the 15th we will be opening up this discussion. Today’s Parent will be launching some interesting articles and features....
Read MoreLosing Control, Finding Control
Today I am speaking at the second annual Baby Steps Memorial Walk. It is very special to gather together within a supportive community to celebrate our dearly loved children. My speech is about the idea of control – losing it and finding it. Here are some thoughts I will be sharing: “After my son Zachary died four years ago this month, the loss of control I experienced was all encompassing and one of the most debilitating aspects of my grief that held me in a state of sadness for so long. Have you experienced this as well?” “The loss of control can be scary; it puts us in a position of surrender and vulnerability. Giving up control forces us to accept the mysterious parts of life that will alter our course – without our consent....
Read MoreWhy I am Passionate about Breaking the Taboo around Loss
Right now I am in Amsterdam presenting at The 2014 International Conference on Stillbirth, SIDS and Baby Survival. My topic: Healing through the Creative Arts. I feel wildly shy presenting to international medical professionals, but I hope my workshop will be a spark of insight for the professional practice of these individuals that interact with heart wrenching loss of young lives on a daily basis. I will be discussing ways that both visual and literary arts can help a bereaved person heal after tragedy. I was asked the other day if it is challenging to speak at conferences and constantly retell Zachary’s story. Yes and no. Yes, it is wearying some days to always put myself back in a vulnerable place of pain. At the same time, I love talking about my baby that...
Read MoreTalking to Kids about Death
When Zachary died, Hannah was eleven months old. She came to the hospital after her younger brother died in my arms. She was very curious and touched Zachary’s head. She was all smiles despite the sniffles and tears in the room. She didn’t understand what had happened then, but she does now – I think. I have had many discussions with Hannah about where her first little brother went. She calls him Zachy. While I sometimes stretch the truth with Hannah, telling her things like she will go to kid jail if she is mean, I somehow felt compelled to tell her the truth about Zachary. I told her that Zachary died. I told her that Mommy and Daddy were very sad – although she must have sensed this. I tried very hard to be happy for her, but she would rest her hand on my...
Read MoreAutumn Baby Loss Memorial Events
Why attend a memorial event? You can remember and celebrate your child. You can be vulnerable and open with your emotions in a non-judgemental environment. You can find community in the presence of others who have also lost a child. You can create mementos and keepsakes. You can find support and resources to help you along the journey of grief. For a list of baby walks and events, please visit the Resources page. Here are a few updates of memorial events for my home city of Edmonton: Walk to Remember, Edmonton This event is not happening in 2014. It is unclear from the website if this is a one-year hiatus or if the event has concluded permanently. Baby Steps Memorial Walk Also, find Baby Steps on Facebook. Date: Saturday, October 4, 2014 Time: 2pm Click...
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