Alexis Marie Chute, Speaker at Walk to Remember, Edmonton 2012
I have accepted the honor of being the keynote speaker at Walk to Remember this year, which will be held in Edmonton at the end of September. When I got the call from one of the organizers asking me to speak, my first reaction was one of overwhelming gratitude and humility. Walk to Remember has played an important role in my life since I lost my son and even prior. My first time attending, back in 2010, I was only two weeks shy of losing Zachary. I was 28 weeks pregnant and round, carrying my ever present grief very physically within me. My husband and I knew what was coming for our son; it was only a matter of time. A beautiful yet sad women approached me and said, “You must be so happy to be pregnant again,” as she lay a longing hand on my stomach. “Actually,”...
Read MoreQuoting the wise Christopher Robin
To quote Christopher Robin: “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin is a pretty wise kid. On the last day of summer before school was to resume, he bestowed these words upon his good friend Winnie the Pooh. He also added: “But the most important thing is, even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you.” These words came from the Disney book Pooh’s Grand Adventure, The Search for Christopher Robin by A. A. Milne. When I was reading these words aloud last night to my daughter before bed they spoke to me, almost as if they came to me alone from a little boy I imagine may share many sweet qualities with the beloved character in this story. I miss my Zachary yet try to imagine him happy, pain...
Read MoreHard Advice for those Trying to Conceive
Many women who have lost a child see having another baby as the next step in their healing. While I do agree with this, I also caution women and couples not to jump too hastily into TTC (trying to conceive). Instead, I encourage spending a good quantity of time devoted to grief and healing before trying again. Our culture favors instant gratification and aims to avoid pain at all costs – but healing a broken heart is not a quick fix (a band-aid will not do the trick) or something to be avoided (we may metaphorically bleed out if not attended to). Even though the cliché saying “Time heals all wounds” makes us who have lost a child gag, there is a seed of truth to be found within that statement – although I’m sure this is not what any of us want to...
Read MoreWomen are the Keepers of our Family Stories
I distinctly remember a group of my girlfriends standing around talking about when we thought was the best time to announce a pregnancy. One woman said she would want to wait till her and her husband got through the first trimester; another woman reminded us that she announced her pregnancy after ten weeks. I was expecting with Zachary at the time of this conversation, unknowing of what was to come, and yet offered, “I get so excited, I usually tell as soon as I find out.” I have reasons for sharing pregnancy news early, apart from my giddy excitement, I told my girlfriends. “What if something happens and you lose the baby early? If you haven’t told anyone, where do you find support?” That conversation will never be lost from me as it was not that long afterwards...
Read MoreHaving a Baby after Losing a Baby: The First Month of Life
I made it through! I have now had a baby after losing a baby. To even write these words is surreal; a miracle. I spent the nine months pre-birth engaged in a labor of a different sort; I allowed myself time to grieve and process this ‘new normal.’ I intentionally searched within myself to find healing and happiness. It was not an easy road; the path bumpy and winding – yet worth every ounce of effort. I cannot imagine having had my child without this self-nurturing and reviving process. My son Eden was born a month ago and since then I have been whisked into the cycle of short days broken up by feedings and the total adjustment of every aspect of life that a newborn brings. What I focus on is my positive delivery and the good health of my child. I cannot express...
Read MoreHaving a Baby after Losing a Baby – 39 Weeks
I recently made a friend who had a stillborn baby not long ago. When we first met I was worried as I was very obviously pregnant. Instead of recoiling in disappointment, which would have been a very natural reaction, my new friend told me that my pregnancy was actually an encouragement for her. The fact that a woman can go on from losing a child to having a healthy pregnancy and baby is heartening and something she hopes for herself as well. I was surprised at this graceful and optimistic perspective and thus hope I can share here on Wanted, Chosen, Planned about my current pregnancy without causing pain for anyone who reads. I am 39 weeks pregnant and I had an epiphany the other day about the length of gestation as it relates to us who have lost a child: It is a...
Read MoreLet Go… or Carry on?
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester I’m inspired by this quote by E. M. Forester, I really am, but letting go has such a negative connotation for us who grieve the loss of a child. It is against our parenting instincts. We want to hold our child close. If you get in a car accident or miss a job promotion it’s easier for people to say, “Let it go, it was just a possession, it was just a job. Something better is right around the corner.” Yes, many people who have lost a child to stillbirth, miscarriage or early infant loss do go on to have other children and find happiness, but the act of “letting go” is not the same. We don’t “let go” and forget. We don’t “let go” and leave our...
Read MoreQuoting Helen Keller – Thoughts for the Journey
Helen Keller – The Inspiration The life of Helen Keller is truly a story of bravery. When she was only 18 months old she fell ill and became both blind and deaf. Her family struggled but did all they could to help their daughter. They eventually found her an educator, Anne Sullivan, who taught Helen words by spelling them on the palm of Helen’s hand. Helen learned many other ways to communicate (touch-lip reading, Braille, speech and typing), she went to college, wrote 12 books and became a social activist to improve the lives of others. What would seem an insurmountable obstacle, to be both blind and deaf, became Helen Keller’s platform for a remarkable life. Many of Helen Keller’s words can be an encouragement for us who grieve the loss of our child. Our...
Read MoreMindfulness – Alive in our Moments
When your child dies, so does your future. It’s a harsh reality but it is true in many ways. Maybe you can relate to some of the thoughts I had after my son Zachary died: We decorated the nursery… when do we take it all down? Or do we? Can we bring another child back to this room? The family dynamic I had pictured is gone and along with it my idea for vacations, activities, dinnertime table-talk. My daughter will not have a sibling close in age. I put work on hold to have kids, now what? My son won’t skin his knees bike riding, he won’t graduate college, marry or have kids of his own. Am I always going to feel this ache of my missing child? I have forgotten what makes me happy, nothing seems to do the trick, and I don’t know what the purpose of my life is...
Read MoreThe Quiet Rebuild
I have been making sculpture although I am not primarily a sculptural artist. I find the use of my hands in the tactile nature of my recent artwork very soothing. My art has been focusing on the idea that we create our understanding of the world in many ways. When my son Zachary died, my world crashed down. Like a forest burn by fire, I was brought to ash, literally. It is fitting that my artwork uses wood, both natural and manmade. I find this particular piece, “Quiet Rebuild” particularly therapeutic to look at. It reminds me of where I am at, rebuilding my life in a different time, a simpler, basic time where my expectations of the world have been brought into check. I rebuild my life and my understanding of the world from the burnt forest, atop a humble piece...
Read MoreMemorial Reflections – Death does not discriminate
Sunday was the annual city wide memorial for families who have lost children, babies passed both in the womb and shortly after birth. My husband Aaron, our daughter Hannah and I arrived about fifteen minutes before the service began. We sat with my father and his girlfriend and Aaron’s dad. At this point the chapel room in the funeral home was only a quarter full but as the service start time approached, every pew was full, people directed to sit in the overflow area on the far side of the room. Eventually, the back of the chapel was crowded with families standing; even out towards the entrance was crowded. This many people gathering together would normally be a wonderful turnout if the event were, say, a wedding, conference, or concert. While we all gathered to...
Read MoreLove is Worth it All
Today I will be speaking at a memorial service for families who have lost babies. I am remembering Zachary today, missing him as always and wishing he was in my arms. I prepared the words I share with the utmost care, expressing my journey in the best way I know how. I hope that it can be an encouragement to even just one person who hears or for any one of you who reads it here. Please, remember with me… Did the world change over night? Food lacks a hint of flavor, the sky now an off shade of grey. My friends seem distant, career a mere time clock in mundane routine. Who is this person in the mirror? This weathered soul looking back at me? This is not my life. The world did not change. I changed. I changed the moment my son was diagnosed for death when I...
Read MoreMy Child’s Name
A Poem “The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, But it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, Let me hear the beautiful music of their name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.” –...
Read MoreMy Story of Loss and the Death of a Normal Life
I was an ordinary person with the usual aspirations: go to school, find a career I am passionate about, marry the love of my life, have babies, make a difference in the world and live happily ever after. That doesn’t sound like too much to ask, does it? I could see it all coming together; it was simply a matter of time. In 2010, my list looked like this: School – check! Career – check! Husband – check! Babies – um… My husband and I had a beautiful baby girl in 2009 and I loved every part of motherhood (this was post-breastfeeding woes and also pre-terrible two’s). Our daughter Hannah was only a few months old when I declared to my hubby, “Let’s make another one!” I felt like a pro at the beginning of my second pregnancy, ‘I am a good baby-maker’ I...
Read MoreTo Love is Risk
It is better to have loved and lost, they say, than never to have loved at all…
Read More