I Miss Her So Much

I welcome Fawn Briggs and her brave guest post below on Wanted Chosen Planned. Fawn’s story of losing Phoenix is heart wrenching and her loss was only four months ago. This post is dedicated in memory of Phoenix.

I was 39 weeks 3 days with my rainbow baby following a loss at 10 weeks June 1st, 2016. It was August 17th, 2017 and I was scheduled to be induced on the 20th.  I had been up late unable to sleep and my sweet baby girl Phoenix Quinn had been so active.  I was having contractions so when my husband got up for work I asked him to stay home with me because I thought we would be meeting our baby early.  After our 4 year old woke up I was feeling exhausted so I decided to take a nap so I would be rested if my contractions got close enough to head to the hospital. Phoenix was very active when I fell asleep and I woke often through my nap due to her movements.  I got up a couple hours later hearing my father-in-law had arrived. He drove in from out of state to be here for Phoenix’s arrival.

Phoenix wasn’t moving so she must have finally gotten tired.  Right? I got up, straightened up the house and finally sat.  She was still asleep??? I rubbed my belly expecting a response. But nothing.  I could feel her leg and her bottom in the same spots they had been since I got up. I told my husband and my father in law I was worried just to be told not to worry, “she’s fine!”.  Okay… I eat a bowl of fresh pineapple, a peanut butter and jelly and drink two bottles of ice cold water but get no response.  I lay down on my left side.  I drink half of a soda.  Tears are running down my face but nobody else believes something is wrong. Finally my husband agrees to take me to the hospital to calm me down.

They put us in a room and bring in the Doppler.  The nurse is struggling so I show her the spot where my doctor usually finds her heartbeat.  Silence. They roll in the ultrasound machine and the screen is so still.  All I can think is “I knew it” and “why did I let them say she was okay? Why didn’t I just get in the car when I first began to worry?” I was then given the option of being put to sleep to birth my sleeping angel but no.  I wanted to go through with my original birth plan.  This is my baby.  I still want to be there for her birth.

She was born at 1:45am August 18th, 2017. She was 7lbs and 20″.  She was taken from us by a true knot. It all happened so fast.  I held her until she grew cold in my arms.  I marveled at her perfection, and cried for all that was taken from us.  I cried through the shock, and the wonder, all of the unanswered questions. I never dressed her and regret it.  I wanted to but didn’t know what was acceptable under the circumstances.  I was rushed into decisions about organ donation, autopsy, funeral home, burial or cremation… so many decisions I never thought I would have to face.

We went home that day and had her memorial service the following Monday.  I miss her so much.

 

Fawn has kindly shared some of her lovely, raw poetry with us. Please click on the images below to enlarge.

 

 

If you would like to share your story on Wanted Chosen Planned, please email me (Alexis Marie) at info(at)alexismariechute.com