Having a Baby after Loss

I have not yet shared here, on Wanted Chosen Planned, that I am pregnant. Nor have I shared this news with all of my baby-loss friends and colleagues. My intent was to be sensitive to the grief of others. I remember when I was recently bereaved. Pregnancy announcements bothered me and the sight of round bellies had me in tears.

Having a baby after loss is HARD. This blog is about life after the loss of a child and that often includes family planning and subsequent pregnancies. It is an important topic, although one I am having a hard time addressing these days…

I am having a hard time because my coping mechanism this go around happens to be avoidance.

It is very likely I would have avoided writing about this pregnancy at all if I didn’t feel the need to be vulnerable and transparent here. Or if I didn’t believe that openness can lead to healing and support. The community on Wanted Chosen Planned is one I cherish. My goal is for my readers to lean on me and on each other. And I hope that I can lean right in as well. This is a time I need it!

When I was pregnant with Eden, after Zachary died, I was a crazy person. Stressed-out. Freaked. Pessimistic. A worry-wart. I couldn’t imagine having a baby that lived.  

This time is different. It seems I am back at my old trick of distraction. The year after Zachary died is a time I call my ‘Year of Distraction.’ In it I did everything but think about my grief. Similarly, right now I am busying myself, occupying my mind, reading a lot – and NOT thinking about my pregnancy.

I am worried about the statistics of miscarriage.

I am worried about the statistics of stillbirth.

I am worried about finding blood in my underwear.

I am worried about a tightening in my stomach actually being a premature contraction.

I am worried about letting down my living children who are excited about a little brother or sister.

I am worried that I am too hopeful, too excited for my next child.

I am worried that if something happens to this baby, I will never recover.

I am worried. Period.

This worry is mostly suppressed in the bustle of daily life. I am working, caring for my family, planning for the future, traveling… But there is one place my worry is not safe. My dreams are frequented by the fears I hold close to my heart. I dream in red. My worries show themselves there, through my subconscious imaginings.

In my dreams I picture losing my child.

I am crying as I write this.

Words are failing me.

I am 18 week pregnant.

I am terrified of hoping for the best after experiencing the worst. I am sure everyone who has conceived after loss can understand. When having a baby after the loss of a baby, there is no easy pregnancy, no day that goes by without nail-biting worry.

What is the solution? What can give peace of mind?

For me, the only answer is a healthy baby in my arms. How can I stop worrying until then?

The Doppler exams help. Hearing baby’s heartbeat provides precious minutes of relief. I have contemplated renting a Doppler, although I have no idea how much that would cost. Going to bed each night to the sound of baby’s heartbeat would be a comfort I imagine. Ultrasounds help as well. My doctor that brushes off my worry does NOT help.

I often feel like everyone has forgotten what I have been through. They ask how this pregnancy is going, but it is a surface question. It is in these times, right here and now that I need a shoulder to cry on. I need people who understand – or even just listening ears so I don’t feel so alone.

I hate writing about these fears. I want to be brave and strong. My goal is that this blog will be an encouragement for others who are struggling…

But it’s me. I am struggling.