Happy Mother’s Day?
Mother’s Day is complicated when your child has died, especially if you have no other living children.
After the loss of my precious Zachary I thought, “Who am I?” as the following year elapsed without my consent and sadness festered. Other common feelings for those whose child has passed away include:
What am I? Am I still a mother? I never had the opportunity to bring my baby home, feed him or her, change diapers, teach reading and bike riding or any of the other normal things mom’s get to do… So what does Mother’s Day mean for me?
When hearing the question, “Am I a mother?” without hesitation I will tell you, “Yes!”
From the moment you conceived and a love for your child blossomed in your heart, I believe you were and continue to be a mother. As you chose paint colors for the nursery, pondered baby names, or did any of the other ‘normal’ responses to pregnancy, you were and are a mother. When you cried at the heartbreaking diagnosis that your child would not live, you were and are a mother. Every day for the rest of your life, you are the mother to that child, whether they are with you or not. You are your baby’s mother.
The death of your child does not define your right to the title of mother.
Just because someone is absent does not change your relationship to them. One of my grandfathers died when I was very young. He is not with me but I am still his granddaughter, he my grandfather and my father’s father. He is an important part of my family tree. It is the same with ALL our children.
This is me pregnant with Zachary before we knew there were complications. I was so happy. We were waiting for the ultrasound to find out if my baby was a boy or a girl. This is a good memory. I like thinking about the good times, the normal times. They are treasures I hold close.
So what does Mother’s Day look like for us?
There is no one right answer. If you want to hide under a rock and not think about it – that is perfectly understandable and can be a healthy response if that is where you’re at.
Another idea is to use this day as an opportunity to celebrate your baby and the special bond between mother and child – no matter how long it lasted.
If you have other children, Mother’s Day may not seem as challenging but an ache may throb in your heart nonetheless knowing that your family is without one very important person.
My husband Aaron and our daughter Hannah as we call our family to share the good news that we’re having a boy.
My husband asked me earlier this week, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Not being a ‘gift person’ I answered him, “I want a day together, I want to think about our family (our whole family) and be present in the moments we have together. Let’s make a fun breakfast. Go for a bike ride. Watch our favourite TV show.”
My desire is to include Zachary in my Mother’s Day. I hope my husband writes Zachary’s name in the card from our kids, for example. This may sound weird to some but for me it feels sweet and special.
I also have an idea of a craft I want to do on Mother’s Day: We all will play with paint making hand and foot prints with outstretched fingers and toes. Then, once the paint is dry, we can draw faces on the palm of the prints, the fingers looking like long hair blowing out cartoonlike from our heads. We have a set of Zachary’s hand and footprints so somehow I want to include these as well.
We celebrated after the ultrasound by buying a crib which Aaron was eager to build. We spent time together as a family and dreamt about our baby’s future.
Just as in any day of the grieving process, Mother’s Day is what we make of it.
If you want to be sad, be sad. If you want to be thankful, be thankful. If you want to remember, remember. If you want permission to feel how you want to feel with no expectations one way or the other, left alone to make the day what you will – you have that permission. I cannot tell you how freeing it was, on my own grief journey, when I realized I could allow myself to be authentic and genuine. No judgement.
If your heart aches for your child, recognize this as the love you have for them. It is that love which is the greatest evidence of your motherhood. Mother’s Day is not going to be easy, but you have the strength within yourself to make it through and make it the day you want.
Happy, sad, sorrowful, contemplative, distracted, remembering Mother’s Day to you! Whatever adjective you choose, mothers – this day is for you.
Alexis Marie
The crib built and waiting for Zach…
I celebrated my first mothers day for the first time without my little boy Kaleb. My mom was gone away for a day trip, my husbands mother was also gone away for this day. So we had told my sister we would be going to the gravesite of our child for us to celebrate being parents and my being a mother for mothers day. It was very beautiful. Though I was sad as Kaleb was supposed to arrive May 11, 2013 he was going to be my mother’s day present. He was a precious gift just game months earlier. I appreciated my husband making me a card for the holiday. I also embraced people telling me happy mother’s day. I am so grateful that I was able to celebrate this day. My sister read a scripture and prayed for encouragement for my husband and I. I felt it was our day to mourn and celebrate being parents. We will be doing the same thing for Father’s day.
Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like you and your husband made Mother’s Day a truly special time. You have a wonderful husband and sister to be so thoughtful and supportive in making you a card and reading a scripture and praying for you. Those are precious moments to cherish. You are a mother and I can see such a beautiful, sweet spirit in you in the way you chose to honor your baby Kaleb on Mother’s Day. I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote, “it was our day to mourn and celebrate.” I believe both of those expressions, mourning and celebrating, can coexist beautifully together as we spend time thinking about our children who have passed away.
Thank you again and love to you.