Encouraging Test Results

ENCOURAGING RESULTS:

Since I shared my “Struggling & How to Help” post a few weeks ago, I have received a few encouraging test results. I have had a lot of people ask if I have had any news, so I am sharing it here. It can be easier to write it out for all to read, opposed to answering the same questions over and over.

The test results came back to me staggered. The first result was a little ray of hope in the darkness which felt like déjà vu. The second test result was a little more sunshine for my soul – but not total relief. Still, I feel encouraged moving forward.

 

WHERE I’M AT:

I have told a few people about these results and have had some of those individuals sigh and say things like, “I’m so glad everything is okay,” and “thank goodness it was just a little scare.”

A little scare? Seriously?

I appreciate the thought, but those words are not comforting.

Yes, I am feeling relieved by these test results and, no, I don’t want to be the type of person that expects the worst – but I have lived through the worst. I know what it is like to hold my baby for one day only and feel his chest stop breathing and his body to grow cold in my hands. The statistics of what happened with Zachary, what took his life, were the same probability of being struck by lightning.

One well-meaning medical professional told me a week ago, “I’d say the likelihood that something happens again to this next baby would be like being struck by lightning twice.”

On one had those words are comforting, but on the other they make me wonder… just how bad is my luck?

I know these things are not solely based on luck. I now understand that the odds, after these test results, indicate that my baby will likely be healthy and normal. BUT – I am still scared. I am still holding my breath.

The one thing I wished all the doctors and specialists I have seen lately would have said to me:

“Your baby will live.”

That sounds so simple. Maybe for them, it’s a given. It’s not a given in my mind, though. Unfortunately, I think in terms of life and death. Of course, I hope and pray for life. With every kick and wiggle inside my belly, I smile and let little dreams for the future take root.

I am hopeful, but cautious.

I don’t intend these posts to be a pity party. I’m sure I seem paranoid and nervous – and I guess I am. As I have written here before on Wanted Chosen Planned, that after you lose a child, there is no easy pregnancy, no such thing as ‘worry-free.’ It’s a struggle. It is worth it, 100%, but a struggle none the less.

Pregnancy after loss is stressful and worry-filled. It is hard to hope for the best when you’ve experienced the worst. The stakes are known. Statistics may comfort the mind, but lingering pain and nervousness persists in the heart.

 

WHAT’S NEXT:

I still have a few more tests to do. I am both eager to receive good news, but also anxious for the unknown.

Patience is required.

As someone wise once told me, “You will feel better when you see the whites of your healthy baby’s eyes.” Thank you Patti Walker. It is true. I have about three-and-a-half months to go.

For now, I am enjoying some lovely distractions from my worry. I am learning to cook – and I’m actually pretty good at it! Also, I’m reading a lot of books: 1984, We the Animals, You Inc., Mennonite in a Little Black Dress… Any book suggestions are totally welcome! And thank-you Sara Kalke for the book on my doorstep! I’m eager to read it.

 

THANK YOU:

I am so grateful for the awesome texts and messages I have received lately. Thank you to those who have gotten together with me and ignored my tears or engaged in some distracting activity with me. Thank-you to those friends and family members that have kept in touch and sent love. It means the world to me.

Also, I am thankful that I can share these feelings here, in a safe place. Thank you for reading.

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Read the post that came before this by clicking here.