Radio Silence
I have to apologize for not posting in a month. The radio silence was unintentional and I assure you I have a long list of encouraging and challenging posts stored up (coming soon). At the end of June I began my MFA (masters degree in fine art). While the focus of my studies is creative writing, my blog writing has taken a bit of a back seat to my big project on the go: my memoir. I encourage anyone who has lost a child and is struggling with grief to be creative. The arts – in all its many forms – were a huge tool I used to help along my journey of loss after Zachary died. Writing was an amazing outlet. As a part of my grad studies I am focusing on doing a first edit of my memoir. It is a huge job! The process is interesting as well because it puts...
Read MoreWalk to Remember Today in Edmonton
Today is the annual Walk to Remember in Edmonton, Alberta which celebrates young lives lost much too soon. The details: Where: Bandshell, legislative grounds, Edmonton. Noon: Picnic, bring lunch and a blanket to sit on. 1:00pm: The program will begin. 1:15: The walk will begin (approx 40 minutes). 2:00pm: Return to the bandshell for a reading of the baby names. This will be my fourth year attending the Walk to Remember. It is a gentle event that will allow you the precious pause to think about your child, grieve and move forward. If you attend, please find me and say hi! I’d love to meet...
Read MoreArt and Healing in The Quiet Rebuild
After Zachary died, I lost myself. This included ‘Alexis Marie Chute the artist.’ It wasn’t until I began to fight my way out of what I call my Year of Distraction that I rediscovered this part of myself. For the last year I have been the Artist in Residence at an Edmonton based gallery and artist run centre called Harcourt House. It is at Harcourt House that I have been creating a body of art called The Quiet Rebuild. This work centers on the idea that we humans have amazing resiliency to rebuild our lives after hardship. If you are reading this and have lost a child, you know what I mean. You are forced to move on without someone very precious to you. Even though you may scream in pain or weep away all your tears, the journey of rebuilding your life is a quiet,...
Read MoreGiving Grace & Understanding
I’ve had several times in my life where I have experienced truly rude and insensitive people. I’m sure anyone who has lost a child has come in contact with oblivious individuals who say things that leave a sting. Yet this phenomenon is not isolated. There was a woman who yelled at me in Michaels when I accidentally budded her in line. There was a woman who told my daughter to “shut up” when she was crying in the bathroom of an art gallery. I’m sure you could add to this list. We all need to extend grace to each other. Instead of assuming the worst, let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure most people have good intentions. If we all were to live like this, I believe the world would be a much happier place. One of these ‘rude encounters’ occurred as...
Read MoreHeartbreak Exhibition and Zachary’s Photo
When I heard the news that Zachary would not live, I was lost at how to process the information. As an artist I began to document the life of my family in the time leading up to Zachary’s birth, death and the months that followed. This was my way of coping, recording, sorting and searching for meaning in a time so devoid of answers. I chose to use a Holga camera to photograph that time in my life. The Holga is faulty and let’s light seep in through its cheap plastic frame. It is designed to be a toy camera that yields unexpected results. I combined the Holga with a batch of expired medium format film I had owned for almost ten years. This film traveled to New Zealand with me where my Mamiya medium format camera took its very last picture. Then the film moved back...
Read MoreDon’t Play the Shame Game
One summer day, back in 2010, I was visiting friends out in the country. Our kids played in the backyard while my two girlfriends and I sipped lemonade in the shade, talking about motherhood. My friend Liz had two kids, Sarah had three, one a newborn that slept in her lap, and I had Hannah. I was also pregnant with Zachary at the time. “I’m totally done,” said Liz, “Two is enough for me.” “I don’t know,” Sarah pondered, stroking the head of her tiny baby. “I could see myself having one more.” We talked as women in control. We controlled when we got pregnant, how we would deliver, and how many kids we would have. Control… We talked about how easy it was for us all to get pregnant, and thankfully had no complications. I felt so proud at that time, on top of the...
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