Christmas Expectations
Christmas is “the best time of the year” as the song goes; a time filled with family and togetherness. But what if one member of the family is missing and the feeling of togetherness is tainted with loss? What if that missing person is your child? This is my scenario and likely yours if you are reading this blog. You may be thinking, ‘My child has died and yet everyone expects me to be merry. Yah right!’ Or maybe you hope that the spirit of the season will carry you away as you have great expectations for a holiday full of joy. I realized something this week as I pondered these things: Christmas is not perfect. Even without factoring in the loss of a child, Christmas is not the flawless “best time of the year” we tend to expect....
Read MoreHappy Second Birthday, Zachary
It has been almost a month since the second birthday (death day) of my son Zachary. I wanted to write about his birthday on the day, but found no time for it amongst the special family time we had planned. I meant to reflect on my blog about it the next day and the day following, but couldn’t find the words. Then a week passed and still, I could not bring myself to write. Why? I wondered. Why am I finding it so difficult to express where I am at or bring myself to share this very special day? Zachary’s birthday was full of many sweet times. We woke up in the morning as a family of four remembering our fifth. We drove to the Muttart Conservatory; a group of four glass pyramids in the heart of the city, greenhouses that glowed in the pale light of morning. We...
Read MoreWalk to Remember Speech by Alexis Marie Chute
Walk to Remember took place today and I am so thankful that I was asked to share words of encouragement with those who gathered. Here is my speech. I hope it touched those who attended the Walk but can also live on to encourage others who read it here on my blog. Love to you all. Walk to Remember 2012 – Children Remain in the Heart Hello, my name is Alexis Marie Chute. Thank you for the honor of speaking to you today. The first time I attended Walk to Remember I was 28 weeks pregnant with my second child, Zachary. My husband and I kept to ourselves, somberly observing. After the event, a sweet young woman approached, laid a hand on my stomach and with tears in her eyes, said, “You must be so happy to be pregnant again!” “Actually,” I told her as I hugged my baby...
Read MoreMothering After the Death of a Baby
It has been almost a month since I posted “An Unnamed Stage of Fear after the Loss of a Baby” and I still do not have concrete answers about how to mother without fear. I would love it if I could post a pretty list of ten things to do to parent normally after having lost a child but thinking about it only made my brain hurt. There are no easy answers. I did, however, have a breakthrough this morning that I think can help. My newborn slept through the night last night and while many mothers would be cheering, I woke frequently and watched the clock. I resisted the urge to run into my baby’s room every few minutes to make sure he was still breathing. Instead I continuously told myself, “Eden is okay. He’s fine. It’s okay…” Then I eventually heard him! While...
Read MoreAttend the Walk to Remember and Ways to Give
The Walk to Remember is less than three weeks away. Are you planning to attend? Walk to Remember is for anyone who has lost a child, at any stage of pregnancy or in early infancy. Of course friends and family are welcome. It is a time for celebration, remembrance and camaraderie. Life is busy – and while I think of my son Zachary daily, I cherish the Walk to Remember for its poignant message and sweet atmosphere. I attend the Walk to Remember to halt life’s rush and simply reflect, cry, and openly miss my beautiful boy. I encourage anyone sitting on the fence about attending, to come and remember with me. Registering for the event ensures your child’s name will be written on the sidewalk in chalk along the path of the walk and read aloud during the ceremony. You...
Read MoreSynchronicity in our Shared Experience
It is called synchronicity in the law of attraction; when things align and come together in an almost magical, seemingly ordained manner. Last week I read a Winnie the Pooh book to my daughter and felt sweet encouragement for the journey of navigating the emotional days following the loss of my baby Zachary. I posted last Wednesday about these amazing words that Christopher Robin spoke to Pooh, words that seemed as if they were written specifically for me. Then, as I was looking around on the Edmonton Walk to Remember website, I was thrilled to find the same quote by A. A. Milne on the home page atop sweetly drawn trees with a blue bird perched above. Coincidence? I doubt it. It seems like the universe or God or whoever/whatever is out there is trying to tell...
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