Objects that Help us Remember
One of the tough parts about losing a child is the lack of physical mementos of their life. It is easy to take stock of what I have that reminds me of Zachary: A blanket One sleeper The bear the hospital gave my husband and I His newborn identification bracelet One unfinished album of photographs A velvet blue box containing the urn of my son’s ashes The cards and few gifts that we received at the memorial This collection seems small but I know very well that it is more than some people have. For some there are no objects that remind them of their child. This may be especially true for those who have an early miscarriage. I’m a collector at heart – not of the expected sort of things like stamps or records or coins. As a child I plucked rocks from beaches and...
Read MoreThree Years of Remembering and Unexpected Surprises
Zachary’s third birthday, also the day of his death, fell over the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend this year. This was timely as I have much to be thankful for regarding Zach. I am thankful for thirty weeks of kicks and the magic bond between mother and child. I am thankful for his life, however brief. I am thankful I held him alive for just a few moments. I am thankful for the strength he seemed to give me to survive. I am thankful that he has given me a passion to help others. I am thankful that I still feel him with me. It has taken me a month to write this post, not out of busyness, but because of what shocked me on the day we celebrated and remembered… We began Zachary’s birthday as we always do, with a plentiful breakfast and time as a family. My husband...
Read MoreGiving Grace & Understanding
I’ve had several times in my life where I have experienced truly rude and insensitive people. I’m sure anyone who has lost a child has come in contact with oblivious individuals who say things that leave a sting. Yet this phenomenon is not isolated. There was a woman who yelled at me in Michaels when I accidentally budded her in line. There was a woman who told my daughter to “shut up” when she was crying in the bathroom of an art gallery. I’m sure you could add to this list. We all need to extend grace to each other. Instead of assuming the worst, let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure most people have good intentions. If we all were to live like this, I believe the world would be a much happier place. One of these ‘rude encounters’ occurred as...
Read MoreHappy Mother’s Day?
Mother’s Day is complicated when your child has died, especially if you have no other living children. After the loss of my precious Zachary I thought, “Who am I?” as the following year elapsed without my consent and sadness festered. Other common feelings for those whose child has passed away include: What am I? Am I still a mother? I never had the opportunity to bring my baby home, feed him or her, change diapers, teach reading and bike riding or any of the other normal things mom’s get to do… So what does Mother’s Day mean for me? When hearing the question, “Am I a mother?” without hesitation I will tell you, “Yes!” From the moment you conceived and a love for your child blossomed in your heart, I believe you were and continue to be a mother. As you...
Read MoreDistractions? There are Pros and Cons
After Zachary died, I entered what I call “The Year of Distraction.” During that time I did everything but face my grief head on. My husband and I shopped for houses and moved within six months. I amped up my photography business and photographed as many weddings as possible, working long hours and locking myself in the office afterwards to edit. We went on an expensive vacation. Fitness because a huge focus for me and I filled up my time with exercise classes, not to mention children’s art and sport classes for my daughter. “The Year of Distraction” was a time full of life and from the outside many may have assumed that I was trudging along and handling the circumstances quite well. On the inside, however, I was avoiding the issue, avoiding grief and looking for...
Read MoreSurviving Easter After the Death of Your Baby (Plus a slight digression)
After Zachary died, I had well meaning Christian friends tell me, “Lean on God. He understands the death of a child. His son died too.” At the time I thought, okay, that’s an interesting point – but then Easter pops up every calendar year. It is a time of pastel pinks, yellows and blues, joyful children racing around on the hunt for chocolate bunnies and hidden treasures in a holiday geared for families. At least that’s the general picture of Easter in my mind but for many it is also a time to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. I know this is not a helpful rabbit trail to go down, but I’m jealous that God got his son back. After Zachary’s diagnosis I prayed and prayed; my husband fasted. We read the Bible and were hopeful that our son would live....
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