Answerless Questions after the Death of a Child
Is it a form of self-torture to ask yourself questions you’re aware have no answers? I’ve been mentally debating this lately. What is your opinion? At my daughter’s birthday party a while back one of the young guests’ parents came up to me and startled me with what he said. (Let’s call him Tim.) Tim had just been speaking with my husband Aaron and I guessed that they had been talking about Zachary. It turned out that Tim was a pediatric physician and he told me that if Zachary had lived he would have been in Tim’s care. This startled me because I had never thought about what type of post delivery care my son would have needed if he lived. At the time of the birthday party I did not let myself think about Tim’s words, busy with face painting and cake cutting, but...
Read MoreHope in The Hunger Games
My husband Aaron read The Hunger Games a year ago and enjoyed the books greatly – but I was not interested. When he told me that kids battle to the death, as a woman who lost a child, I thought that the subject matter would be extremely upsetting. Why would I want to read about that or watch a child die in a movie? When school English classes began reading the books I realized that I cannot protect myself from everything. I’m sad to say that there will always be children that die in the world, though I wish I could change this, but what I do have control over is understanding my culture. As a writer I believe it’s important to be abreast of literary trends – especially ones that young people grab a hold of. With the release of the second movie, I finally...
Read MoreObjects that Help us Remember
One of the tough parts about losing a child is the lack of physical mementos of their life. It is easy to take stock of what I have that reminds me of Zachary: A blanket One sleeper The bear the hospital gave my husband and I His newborn identification bracelet One unfinished album of photographs A velvet blue box containing the urn of my son’s ashes The cards and few gifts that we received at the memorial This collection seems small but I know very well that it is more than some people have. For some there are no objects that remind them of their child. This may be especially true for those who have an early miscarriage. I’m a collector at heart – not of the expected sort of things like stamps or records or coins. As a child I plucked rocks from beaches and...
Read MoreBedtime
Tonight, my son Eden did not want to be alone. As he lay in his crib, drowsy yet awake, he rolled over again and again to make sure I was still there. I did not want to be alone either and picked up my baby and he curled himself around my shoulder in response, my cheek resting on his head. I rocked him, hummed ‘his song’ and simply let our bodies be warm and snuggly together. These are the precious moments of parenthood. As I rocked Eden to sleep, my thoughts flashed quickly to Zach. For all the thousands of bed times I wish I could rock him to sleep, I somehow must be content with the one chance I had to hold him in my arms. I still remember the embrace fondly. I cradled him many hours after he was still. Pulling him close, I smelled his skin and kissed his...
Read MoreThe Quiet Rebuild Exhibition
After Zachary’s death, I lost myself. It was only after I got back into my work as an artist, photographer and writer that I came to understand that art possessed the ability to express the inexpressible parts of my sorrow. Building my wood sculptures was the beginning and was therapeutic as it allowed my mind to linger in places of pain and grow to understand myself better. The artwork that I have made over the last two years is called “The Quiet Rebuild” and is currently on exhibit at Harcourt House Gallery and Artist Run Centre in Edmonton, Alberta Canada. The show runs until November 29, 2013. Harcourt House Gallery: 3rd floor, 10215-112 Street, Edmonton, Alberta “The Quiet Rebuild” features painting, wood sculpture, photography and a curious...
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