An Invitation to Share your Story

When Zachary died, I felt terribly alone and like a failure as a mother. Naively I believed that babies didn’t die anymore in technologically advanced places like Canada. No one in my circle of friends and family had talked about their own experience. Sex education didn’t teach me the stats nor did my parents or my doctor warn me when I got pregnant. I was not prepared for what happened to me, though you likely can never be fully prepared.

Did others feel this way?

Our culture doesn’t cope with death in a healthy manner. The mindset seems to be that once the funeral is over you must pick yourself up and move on. Speaking for myself, my journey of grief didn’t really begin until after the memorial. I needed so much in that first year in particular, needs that I am not sure were met enough or in the way that I wish for myself in retrospect.

What can we do to fix this situation? I don’t want to be the squeaky wheel without anything helpful to contribute. Here are two ideas that I believe would help counter the stigma around child loss in our culture:

• Formal education needs to be provided. Sex education is a very early opportunity to carefully introduce the responsibilities, joys and risks of having a baby. I talk about Zachary’s death with my four year old; I’m pretty sure junior-high-aged kids can handle this subject matter. It’s all in the way the information is delivered. What about the human biology section of science in high school? There is another opportunity. At the very least, doctors should counsel their patients on the statistics and support options for potential loss when women come in for their very first prenatal appointment. Some may argue that this information would be a downer to a glowing mom-to-be, but the alternative is worse. Preparation and education are healthy and necessary.
• Openness amongst women and families. Since I began sharing my story about Zachary, it seems that almost everyone I meet has either experienced a loss themselves or knows someone who has. When we are open, others will feel comfortable to share as well. I believe that the taboo around child loss must be discarded and in its place vulnerability must take precedent. We do not have to pretend to be strong. When we share our struggles and ways to cope, others in turn may apply those lessons to themselves or their family and friends. A community of support is formed in this way.

On this note, I would like to invite others who have lost a child to share their stories here on Wanted Chosen Planned. I believe we are stronger together and that part of our journey may be in opening up about the road behind us and what lies ahead. I invite anyone to email me with between 500-800 words about your experience of loss and what has helped you since that time. Please also include 2-3 photographs. I will do my best to share these appropriate and timely stories.

There is a lot to be done to eradicate the stigma of loss and make our culture healthier in its response to death. When large scale change seems impossible, that’s when small efforts can make all the difference.

As always, thank you for reading!