The Mourning Grandparent
Not long ago I received an emotional yet illuminating email from a grandmother in mourning. She read my blog and felt compelled to get in touch. This woman shared the story of how her son and daughter-in-law came to discover complications with their unborn child and that the baby was eventually stillborn.
“This baby was to be my first grandchild,” the woman wrote.
The email brought me to tears as I reflected upon not only the sadness of this woman but also on what my own parents may be feeling.
Kindly, this woman agreed that I could share one of her thoughts with you today. She wrote about the loss of a child:
“People don’t always realize that the loss is also traumatic for the potential grandparents – we deal not only with the loss of the baby, our grandchild, but also our sorrow for what our own adult children are going through – when our children suffer, we too suffer immeasurably. I still grieve for my son and daughter-in-law and think about that poor lost baby almost every day. We move on, but we are forever changed by these events.”
I know from experience the tendency to be introverted, self-reflective and self-focused after the loss of a child. It’s a coping mechanism. My mentality was, “Whatever I can do to survive this time and somehow get out on the other side.”
Relationships can be challenging: friends and family may feel they walk on eggshells around us as while, invariably, the encouragement they mean to help sounds cliché and uncompassionate. Obviously this is not always the case but I do remember being hyper sensitive after Zachary died. My thoughts generally revolved around what I was feeling with little concern for other people.
It is helpful to step out of our own mental state for a few moments every so often to appreciate life from a different angle. I often think about my own sorrow but not the pain of others who have also been affected by Zachary’s short life.
Sometimes I feel like, “Why does my family not ask me how I am doing?” – But when was the last time I asked them how they are coping after Zachary’s death?
A small part of me fears that I am the only one still grieving my son, that maybe if I ask them I will realize that they have not been thinking about him at all. I guess I’ll never know unless I ask.
When a child dies, the ripple effect of that loss encompasses many more people than simply the parents of the child.
I want to acknowledge and celebrate the love of grandparents; both for their grandchildren and for their own children. I know my parents have been a constant source of strength for me even in the face of sorrow they may be experiencing themselves – and for that I am monumentally grateful.
Thank you to all the brave ones who carried me along when I could not walk on my own.
Alexis Marie
I too want to recognize my mother and my husband’s parents who also suffered the loss too. I know when I first lost my little one I was resentful anyone could say it was their loss, but it really was and is their loss.
My mom told me she will often think of that little child she never got to hold or play with or hear the words grandma and she cries and I cried with her yes it’s my loss but it is hers as well.
Your mindset of recognizing your mother’s and husband’s grief as well as your own is very refreshing. I’m sure it was not an overnight step. Sometimes I still forget. My mother-in-law, every Christmas, makes a little stocking for Zachary. This kind of thoughtful gesture makes me smile and realize that I am not the only one touched deeply by my son’s loss. Its humbling and heartening as well to learn that we do not suffer alone. Its a gift actually.
Thank you so much for your openness in your comment.