Surviving Easter After the Death of Your Baby (Plus a slight digression)

After Zachary died, I had well meaning Christian friends tell me, “Lean on God. He understands the death of a child. His son died too.” At the time I thought, okay, that’s an interesting point – but then Easter pops up every calendar year. It is a time of pastel pinks, yellows and blues, joyful children racing around on the hunt for chocolate bunnies and hidden treasures in a holiday geared for families. At least that’s the general picture of Easter in my mind but for many it is also a time to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection from the dead.

I know this is not a helpful rabbit trail to go down, but I’m jealous that God got his son back. After Zachary’s diagnosis I prayed and prayed; my husband fasted. We read the Bible and were hopeful that our son would live. Yet ours is not a miraculous story in the ‘Hallelujah! My baby lives!” kind of way. I wish it were. (Our story is meaningful in other small special ways, so please don’t get me wrong.)

If I could bring Zachary back from the dead, I would in a heartbeat and be the happiest woman in the world. Not a day goes by where I do not miss my child with animalistic fervour. The Christian God getting his son back does somewhat negate the, ‘God understands,’ encouragement for me. They had three days apart; it has been over 880 days for me…

I truly hope I have not offended any with this digression.

Back on topic: So what do we who lack resurrection power do to cope with Easter while missing our baby? Some would still say, ‘lean on God in these times,’ and if those words are an encouragement to you, then they are wonderful advice. Personally, I am on a journey where that admonition doesn’t do much to console me.

To survive Easter, for those with other living kids, I’d say give in to the child-like nature of the holiday. Let the colours and laughter sink in; take a deep breath and be present in the moment. Choose to be thankful for the children you do have. Hide extra chocolate and indulge in the sweetness with your family. Kiss your kids on the forehead and tell them you love them. Let them see the tears in your eye as you enjoy their lives and when they ask why you are crying, say that it is because you are so happy they are here with you.

If the child you lost leaves you alone, do not loose heart. Even if the sight of sugar-filled children breaks your heart, know that you are never truly alone. I feel Zachary with me every day and my love for him is as real as my love for anyone. Cling to that love, share it, talk about your child and cling close to those you love, those who love you and understand. Embrace your emotions in an authentic, non-judgemental way. I believe love is the ultimate healer of our hearts and so surround yourself with it like a warm blanket on a cold day.