My Story of Loss and the Death of a Normal Life

I was an ordinary person with the usual aspirations: go to school, find a career I am passionate about, marry the love of my life, have babies, make a difference in the world and live happily ever after. That doesn’t sound like too much to ask, does it? I could see it all coming together; it was simply a matter of time.

In 2010, my list looked like this:

School – check!

Career – check!

Husband – check!

Babies – um…

My husband and I had a beautiful baby girl in 2009 and I loved every part of motherhood (this was post-breastfeeding woes and also pre-terrible two’s). Our daughter Hannah was only a few months old when I declared to my hubby, “Let’s make another one!”

I felt like a pro at the beginning of my second pregnancy, ‘I am a good baby-maker’ I told myself. Then, when I was about 24 weeks pregnant, my world changed forever and I was no longer the ordinary person leading a normal life. My unborn child was diagnosed for death.

This is my story of loss:

Zachary Jonathan Chute, my second child, my baby boy, was due to arrive in December of 2010. At the beginning of September my husband and I discovered that there were a number of complications with the pregnancy and the outlook was grim.

Our baby boy was diagnosed with a large tumor around his heart causing heart failure and fluid to develop within his body. Over the following weeks after learning of his conditions, his heart continued to grow weaker as the tumor increased in size.

We chose not to terminate his life and thus continued our pregnancy. We hoped for a miracle, praying for God to intervene. We did not want to take our son’s life. We decided the most compassionate option for Zachary was to let nature take its course. Medically there was nothing we could do.

On Wednesday, October 13, 2010 our visit to the hospital revealed the worsening of my health and the growing risks if we continued on. After medical recommendations I was booked in for induction the next morning. This was extremely difficult for us as we felt that agreeing to induction was like giving up on our boy and as parents this was hard to bear, a choice we did not want to make. We were hoping things would improve or that nature would take its course so that we did not have to choose to end Zachary’s life.

Wednesday continued with us returning home to prepare for the next day’s induction. That evening I began to have contractions and was admitted to the hospital that night.

Zachary’s failing heart, squeezed and misshapen by the tumor, continued to beat. Despite the doctor’s predictions that if I went into preterm labor Zachary’s heart could not sustain him through delivery, he held on and was born alive! He did not give up! He wanted to meet his parents! This was a miracle for us considering his condition. My husband and I both held our son, skin to skin, where he made small movements and then passed away in my arms. He was alive and with us for only a few moments.

Zachary Jonathan Chute’s birthday and death-day is Thursday, October 14, 2010. He weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces and was 18 inches tall. He had his mother and sister’s blue eyes, his father’s chin, and golden blond hair. He is our cherished son, our second born, and will always hold a special place in our heart.