Does Time Heal all Wounds?

After Zachary died, many people quoted the cliché saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Not only did this ignite my anger but it also motivated me to prove them all wrong.

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“Time doesn’t heal anything,” I said to myself, “I will always be heartbroken for my child.”

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2 years, 2 months, 26 days, 12 hours, 39 minutes and 10 (or so) seconds have passed since my son died in my arms. Has time healed me? Or was I right that the saying, “Time heals,” is a big crock?

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What I discovered is that neither extreme is correct. From my experience over the last two years I have learned that the nature of Time is gentle; not black and white, not the scenario that one moment you mourn and the next thing you know, time passes and kapow! – you are healed.

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Time is not a healer. Time is our helper.

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I am not as raw today as I was when my son died; back when I thought I could never be truly happy ever again, back when every day seemed lacklustre and tortured. Looking at my life today, I see a woman who still misses and longs for her son with every fibre of her being and a woman who will never stop loving her child and thinking about him often – but I don’t see a raw, depressed and unhappy person.

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In doing the work of grief, I have found myself and have learned to see the beauty of life every day. I know my son shaped this new outlook and for that, I am forever grateful. I would change my circumstances in a heartbeat if I could and instigate a miraculous recovery from the tumor that crushed my son’s heart – but since that is beyond my control, I simply (and some days it’s not at all simple) choose to be happy, to see the good in what I can and count my blessings. I am very blessed and I bet you are as well.

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The rawness of my loss no longer gnaws at me every moment. That is a huge difference from the early days after Zachary died. I believe that this is where Time has helped take the edge off my severe longing and pain. I don’t know anyone who wants to live in the extreme state of sorrow forever and thus Time is our friend, transforming our anguish into the memory of anguish, making our ‘new normal’ bearable and allowing us to see the hope, beauty and life all around us.

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You may want to take on the role of the martyr on behalf of your child, thinking, “I will stay in this soft spot of grief, I owe it to my baby to feel the pain of loss so deeply every moment of every day.” I wonder though, what good does this serve? What benefit will it be to your lost child or to yourself or to your family? If you remain devastated and depressed forever, what wrong will be made right? Will it bring your child back?

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A better approach is to accept the gentle help of Time and honour your child by choosing to live your own life in the best way that you can.

This is your opportunity – use the Time you have to celebrate your precious child.

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My husband Aaron and I are making an application video this week. What for, you ask. Good question! We are applying for Amazing Race Canada! We know that Zachary will never be able to experience life to the fullest and so Aaron and I feel motivated to go out into the world for him. We want to experience, taste, touch, smell and see as much as we can all the while reflecting on what a special gift was given to us in our son. Everyone has their own way of honouring their child, and this is one fun and special way for us. Even if we do not make it on the race, we still plan to take a trip somewhere (TBD).

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For those of you whose loss is recent, please do not fight Time. Yes, the saying “Time heals all wounds,” will sound like nails on a chalkboard to your ears, but think of Time instead as your helper. We can’t fight Time; it marches on whether we accept it or not – so embrace Time and its kind assistance to you in your season of mourning.

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Love & best wishes to you all!