My Life Line – Guest Blog by Patti Walker

I am pleased to introduce a wonderful woman, Patti Walker, the Regional Bereavement Coordinator at Alberta Health Services. It is an honour for me to share Patti’s story here on Wanted Chosen Planned. She was a support for me after Zach died, and for so many other bereaved families – and after reading her story you will understand where her compassion comes from. Love you Patti.

 

Patti’s Story:

 

 

I have been asked by Alexis Marie to share my story and how important ParentCare has been in my healing. I am not a writer – but here we go………..

 

My husband (Cam) and I were married June 11, 1988. We immediately moved from Calgary were I had grown up and all my support system was. We moved to Edmonton. We had talked about starting a family, but I wanted to create a new support system as I knew this was another major life decision. Two years later, we felt we were ready and started to have “the talk”.  At that time my beautiful, wonderful, stepdaughter Suzanne came to live permanently with us. So this postponed trying to conceive as we wanted Suzanne to have time to adjust to our family.

 

So, we waited until 1992 to try and conceive. Once we decided to go ahead we were pregnant with Ernie within just a couple of months. Ernie was not the name we had chosen for the baby, but it was a wonderful nickname and that is who he/she is. I went for my first ultrasound at 15 weeks. We brought Suzanne (who was 11 at the time) with us we wanted to create a bonding experience for everyone. At this time I was told that there was no heartbeat. We were devastated, and poor Suzanne was so confused.

 

 

After some time, we chose to risk trying to conceive again. Again it did not take long to conceive and we were happily expecting with Perry. (Again not the name we had chosen but a beautiful, quirky nickname). We were due in December, 1993.

 

October 2, 1993 I woke up several times in the early morning thinking Perry was kicking me in the bladder and got up to go the bathroom. About 6:00 am it became light enough out to realize that I was actually bleeding (not even enough to spoil the bed sheets). In a whirlwind we were calling someone to come watch Suzanne and we were racing to the hospital. I was 30 weeks 5 days. Now, many of you may know, I am a nurse and I immediately knew this was not good, but I was trying to hold it together for Cam. We arrived at the Misercoridia hospital by 6:30 (considering we live in Spruce Grove you can see how fast we moved). Since, at that time, the Misericordia would not do deliveries under 32 weeks, I was transferred to the University hospital – that has been my only time riding in an ambulance. Cam followed in the car.

 

Upon arrival it became a whirlwind of activity and I was being sent to the OR for an emergency C-section. Staff came in and asked if I was Mrs.________ And was I the abruption? My nurse said “No this is Mrs. Walker and she is not the abruption but she is going first”. It was at that moment that I began to immediately panic – I was bumping an abruption? – things were BAD! As I was being wheeled down the hallway, my mind was racing – I was thinking of what was in the freezer to feed my family, how would we get Suzanne to her various activities, what was on my desk at work etc. etc. (also thinking of when the last time I shaved my legs – lol) as I knew I would be spending a lot of time in the NICU with our very wanted, planned, premature baby.

 

I woke up in the recovery room fighting against everything, asking were my baby was. My gentle, kind doctor came over and told me I had a big, beautiful boy, but he did not make it. My immediate reaction was “Where is my husband and where is my baby?” I can’t (to this day) imagine what Cam was going thru as I was in the OR. I have the telephone bill of that day to document the time Cam called our families in Calgary to tell them I had gone into surgery and then to call them back to give them the news that Perry was stillborn.

 

 

Our lives, as we had envisioned it, was forever changed.  Recovering in the hospital I was seen by a social worker that told me about a support group called ParentCare. My reaction was “Why would I need a support group? I’m a Public Health Nurse, I’ve run many groups and I have visited many families in the community with losses – I can do this” – boy was I wrong!

 

I thought I would return to work in November – I knew I had to recover from major surgery. November came around and I was still submerged in this isolation. I decided to return in January. New year, new start. Returning to work was extremely difficult – I worked with newborns. I managed to put on (maybe not always successfully) the professional face and then I would retreat to my office (in the basement- thank goodness) and fall apart. Finally about mid January I decided to call one of the volunteers for ParentCare.

 

One of the first things she asked me was my baby’s name – Nothing sounded more beautiful than to say his name to a complete stranger that obviously cared. She also said, “It’s been 3 months, that’s not very long – how are you doing?” Here was someone that “got it” – she truly wanted to know how I was doing, and she acknowledged that at 3 months it was ok to still be missing my son (I have now learned that even after 21 years it is ok to still be missing him). I was invited to attend a meeting the following month.

 

Reluctantly, Cam and I entered our first meeting. Cam always said he would attend “for me”, yet I know he also learned many things from other people (one being that his wife was normal in her grief and it was ok for him to grieve as well and he did not have to fix me). We were welcomed with open arms.

 

We learned that ParentCare was started in 1988 by Claire Lefebvre and Lilias Gillespie (2 nurses from the Misericordia) and 2 families that had lost babies. It was started because there was no other place for families to share their stories. The tag line is “Parents Helping Parents” – and that could not be more true. Because of the work and the feedback from the early days of ParentCare, many changes were implemented in our local hospitals that are still being practiced today.

 

 

In the following meetings I learned that it was okay to grieve in my way and to remember my boys in my way. It was ok to be scared to death about attempting another pregnancy. My feelings were okay. They sometimes really sucked, but they were mine and they were real. This was a place that I could share the story that we took Perry’s cremains to San Francisco to the zoo – because going to a zoo on a first birthday was a ‘normal” thing – and nobody judged me. I was not the woman that had lost two babies, I was a mom that did not have her babies with her, but continues to have a relationship with them. The meetings gave me permission to be proud of them.

 

With support, we decided to try again to add to our family. I attended meetings attempting (I was later told unsuccessfully) to hide my pregnancy. I did not want to upset anyone, but I NEEDED to be there.  On May 4, 1995, my beautiful, talented, amazing daughter Anastasia (Ana) Walker was born. Lilias and Claire were there to support me during her delivery. In the early months, ParentCare was the only time I left Ana alone, so that I could attend meetings – as I still was mourning Ernie and Perry.

 

Both Suzanne and Ana knew how important ParentCare was for me. In approximately 1998 I began facilitating the meetings. I would often get phone calls at home from newly bereaved parents and both my girls knew that I was unavailable. Both have helped with the candle light service that is held every December in lieu of a regular meeting. Ana has often been a big part of the Annual May Memorial held by the Alberta Health Services and Covenant Health Pregnancy and Infant Loss program that I am also very much involved in.

 

In June 2000 we went on a family vacation to Disney World. Suzanne had just finished her first year of nursing, and Ana was just completing playschool. I had it in my head that this would be our last family vacation as we were launching one daughter into secondary education and another into school. I did not know how correct I would be about it being our last family vacation. Tragically Suzanne was struck as a pedestrian and killed instantly after we had only been there 27 hours. Again our world was shattered. Many of my friends from ParentCare attended Suzanne’s funeral – and for that I am forever grateful. They did not have to say much – they just were there to support.

 

 

I now facilitate ParentCare with Marla Hennig. Marla lost her son Lucas in January, 18, 2005. Many times we are asked why we still go. For us it is a way of remembering our children and possibly giving hope to others that life will continue – in a way different way we ever dreamed and we will never forget them. ParentCare makes it ok to know the beautiful gifts are babies are and to talk about them, walk for them and write petitions for them because they are worth every second that that we didn’t get to spend with them. They are wanted, they are missed and they are loved.

 

ParentCare is totally funded by donations. Marla and I are not paid financially, but paid with the knowledge that maybe we are making a difference for others. Cam often says that ParentCare runs on the Bank of Patti.

 

I personally do not believe “things happen for a reason” but I think from life experiences you can learn from them. I have met some wonderful people via ParentCare – our paths may not have crossed if we had not been part of the same community of losing our children. I think is a “gift” from my children – but I would give all the friendships and experiences back if I could have my children back.

 

ParentCare meets on the third Thursday of every month. It is a confidential safe group for anyone that has lost a baby or any circumstances. It truly is Parents Helping Parents. There is a large lending library of books that have often been donated in memory someone’s precious babies. We share, we cry (ALWAYS have the good Kleenex) and sometimes we even laugh. We talk about upcoming memorial events. We collect teddy bears to donate to the hospitals to give to newly bereaved parents. And as mentioned, we have a beautiful candle light service in December, where past members often join us,  and share in the bond of remembering our babies.

 

Please visit the ParentCare website to learn more.

 

Thank you Patti! It is a brave and beautiful act to share ones story. You are an inspiration. Thank you also for sharing photographs of your children with us. Their images will be added to Celebrating Sweeties.

If you would like to share your story here and/or add your Sweetie to our Celebrating Sweeties page, please contact Alexis Marie.