Has the way you celebrate your deceased child changed over time?
Four and a half years have passed since Zachary died. I am a different person now than I once was – and so too has my family changed since our loss. We have grown – not only in number as we welcomed Eden two years ago, but we are also growing-up as our kids’ age and my husband and I pursue education and careers. In many ways I feel my grief and my need for acts of remembrance for Zachary have changed as well.
Sometimes these feelings of change make me uncomfortable. Take Christmas for example. I want to remember that Zachary’s original due date was a few days before Christmas and I want to think about him as I spend time with my family over the holidays – but I don’t want to slip into the sadness of my loss amidst the happy times – not anymore. I once went to that emotional place in an automatic shift during the first few years after, but time changes so many things.
Everything changes over time. Embrace change and learn to celebrate and remember in new ways.
I feel guilty sometimes for not making a bigger ceremony out of my times of remembrance, to really slow to reflect and celebrate. Still, I am learning to be graceful with myself. Graceful and kind. I am beginning to recognize that there is no magic number of minutes I need to think about my first son, or particular way to commemorate his birthday or honor him at all the festive times of the year.
Just as our grief changes, so do our celebrations – and this is okay. If we do not remember our lost children in the same way we did at the beginning, it doesn’t mean we love them less or that we will forget them entirely one day. Change is a good and healthy part of life. It should be embraced and enjoyed as a new season. Cutting guilt and self-imposed expectations out of our life is the best way to experience these feelings of freedom and love – and I’m sure that is what our children would want for us.
How has the way you celebrate your deceased child changed over time?
I lost Chloé on 17 August 2006. I was 8 months pregnant with Aidan when the first anniversary came around. We put her photo on the table after dinner, I made a cake and we blew some candles.
I have friends who buy presents for their child who died on their birthday. I have never done that but I like to have a cake, a cupcake, something to mark the occasion. And lots of hugs.
Last year my wife made chocolate eclairs and wrote a C on all of them in frosting. <3 (I have the best wife).
At the back of my head I know the 10 year mark is upon me soon and I try not to think about it. It's a bit difficult since my stepdaughter is the same age Chloé would be…
But mostly I do ok. Of course there's still times when the grief hits you like a ton of bricks…
I've been following you on Twitter for a while but only just found this page. Thank you.
Hi Lauriel,
Thank you so much for commenting! I truly believe it is brave to open up about our losses.
Your wife’s eclairs looked delicious in the twitter picture. What a neat idea to write the C’s on top! I have never written on any of my birthday cakes for Zachary, but maybe I will next year. You have inspired me!
I bet the 10 year mark will be a challenge. Are you planning anything special to commemorate? Or are just going to soak in the day? It just dawned on me that Zachary’s next birthday will be five years… Isn’t it incredible how the love does not fade. You can probably speak to that as well.
I also want to thank you for including Chloé in Wanted Chosen Planned’s Celebrating Sweeties. Her picture is there now and we are happy to have her and celebrate her life with you and your family.
Please keep in touch!
HUGS
Alexis Marie