Grateful Despite the Grief
Today I share a special guest post by Jenny Albers here on Wanted Chosen Planned. Welcome Jenny – and welcome everyone reading this! We are just a few days into the new year and it is a perfect time to share powerful stories of the “new normal” lives we find ourselves in after loss – and a perfect time to celebrate the children who are not with us.
Grateful Despite the Grief:
I found out I was pregnant in October 2014, after experiencing an ectopic pregnancy earlier in the year. As much as I would like to say that I immediately began plans for bringing a baby home, something just didn’t feel right. Despite a number of ultrasounds that confirmed all was well, I remained skeptical. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with my baby. As the weeks passed and my pregnancy progressed into the second trimester I continually told myself that everything was fine, but I never quite believed it.
On January 13, 2015 my water broke in the early hours of the morning as I lay in bed. In that moment, I knew that my instincts had been correct. Something was most definitely wrong.
I visited the specialist’s office the following day, and was advised to terminate my pregnancy. At just 17 weeks, 6 days gestation, there was no amniotic fluid and I was told that my baby would certainly die.
My instincts about something being wrong had turned out to be right. Only it wasn’t a problem with my baby, but instead with my own body. I had experienced Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM) and because of that my baby would never experience life outside of the womb. Without question, I knew I would carry on with the pregnancy despite the doctor’s recommendation to terminate. After all, my baby had a strong heartbeat and I had already felt those precious kicks from within. I knew that I would lose my baby, but that little life was too precious to terminate. I would wait for it to end naturally.
The doctor had told me that I would likely go into labor within a few days of that initial visit to the specialist’s office, but labor didn’t begin for nearly three more weeks. During that time I was able to see ultrasound images and listen to that precious heartbeat. I was able to feel the faint sensation of my baby pushing against my womb. These would be the only ways in which I would ever know my baby and these moments were precious, although bittersweet, as I knew they would quickly come to an end.
And on January 31, 2015, those moments did end as I endured a short labor in which I delivered baby Micah, at just 20 weeks, 3 days gestation. While I wasn’t grateful for much in those moments, I was grateful that I had those three extra weeks to carry my baby, and to prepare my heart and mind for the inevitable. I was grateful that I had the opportunity to see and hold my baby who was fully formed, yet weighed less than a pound.
I experienced months of deep, dark grief in which I cried more tears than I ever knew possible. In which I experienced every negative emotion possible – jealousy, anger, hatred, envy, and more. I avoided society for months because life just didn’t make sense anymore. But, I remain grateful for baby Micah’s short life as it has given me the ability to feel and show compassion in a way that I never could before. It has changed my perspective on life and shown me just how fragile and spectacular life truly is.
Thank you, Jenny, for sharing Micah’s story. I’m sure there are many mothers, fathers and others out there who are experiencing similar “deep, dark grief.” Yet, the message of gratitude is a powerful one. We are not alone on this journey and while that is a sad reality, it can bring comfort and support – and that is something to be grateful for.
Jenny blogs at: mannainthemadness.com : )
Pregnancy loss and infant loss is an experience known by many, unfortunately. We who have lived it can be an amazing support for each other. If you would like to share your story, please email Alexis Marie Chute at info@alexismariechute.com
EanAndrew EDC January 15 2007 .
I was spotting n cramping I got a confirmation of his pregnancy May. April May June I didn’t want more kids. I wanted him. From the moment I dreamt about him. I wanted him. I kept saying No It cannot be. I’m fine single with my two kids. Im good. I love our life. But he was there. Tiny bean shapedblob in the ultrasound. Making sure he was not in the tubes. I heard his heartbeat. I can’t stop hearing that string wonderful heartbeat.
I was told I had a 50 /50 chance that he would make it.
I didn’t want to think about that.
I bled n cramped n cried. I went to my appts n my levels were going up n all seem good. I felt tired n not like I felt with my first 3 pregnancies. All are different they said. Or I felt like that because I was overweight. I was overweight with the other pregnancies too n I felt Healthy n strong.
I was medically misdiagnosed because they ignored my symptoms n failed to take them seriously. My baby died June 23 2007. A few weeks later I almost died too from gallstones.
There was a heartbeat. I saw my baby In the ultrasounds and I heard the heartbeat.
I was not prepared to Love a child that much.
I was not prepared to misscarriage n be sent home to finish that process at home. I was not prepared when the Product of Conception passed. I held my childs remains in my hand. All that was left. How do U function after all that. How do U look at your own kids n stop yourself from crying in from of them every 5 seconds?
U just keep going one second then the next til U get to that first minute then 10 without crying or falling apart.
U stop being angry at yourself .
I blamed my own body. My emotions.. My Jelousy.
The Air the Sunshine. Everything. N Nothing.
It’s more common than we know.
A decade ago nobody spoke about it.
I hardly found any literature on the subject. But the one book that help was others stories sharing that grief. It was the after. I had hope I have After because in that moment I was so hopeless all I had was grief n tears .
Today I have 2 Rainbow children. A boy Jason A girl Sameera.
5 babies in Heaven. EanAndrew Nina Simmone my twins n Jacob. I have Gerry n Chupi now too. My children then AlmaJose n Selmina ER are grown. They needed me So I worked hard to process my grief n still manage to be a mother to them.
My younger children know about their baby brothers n sister I’m heaven. We Have memorials n we openly talk about them.
It’s not a shameful hidden Secret.
One day my daughter woke up too early. She was 4. I had cried all nite thinking n writing about EanAndrew
She asked in the early hours darkness ” Mommy why do U cry”
I whispered “Mami I cry for U baby brother I Heaven today is his Angelversary. He died 7 yrs ago. ”
She was very quiet. I guessed she fallen back asleep. Her tiny body cuddled closer to me n she put her tiny arms around my shoulders in bed.
She kissed my cheek n said close to my ear ” Mami tell me about my baby brother”
I sobbed n shock from grief her tiny arms n body holding all my pieces from falling away..
She touched my hair in the darkness and said “Mommy He is heaven Right. Then U shouldn’t cry he is with God n Gods taking care of him. He wouldn’t like It seeing U cry .” I told her about how happy I was those months I was pregnant n my favorite food was Tacos de la Casitas Chilanga in Redwood City where she was born.
How I met her daddy n He was so good to me n my baby. Then we fell in Love. N how he was there holding mommy’s hand when EanAndrew was gone. How he took me home n put me to bed. Made me caldo n spoonedfed me n gave me my medicine n I fall asleep crying n he took care of me cuz I was so sick of Grief.
Then I got better n We had Jason then her n Gerry.
She listened n Said “Mommy fall asleep ok. I will take care of U today. Dont U worry I’m on the Case. ”
She did.
I was falling asleep n I heard the boys starting to wake n make noise She hushed them up n said ” Quiet Mommy is sad about our baby brother who is in heaven.
U need to be quiet n let her rest ok. ”
They asked her” What baby brother ? ”
She said “I will tell U the story of our baby Brother EanAndrew. Listen..”
She got most of it correct n She” said I always wanted a big brother. ”
One said “Hey I am your big brother.. ”
she replied “No U are a little brother cuz EanAndrew is our Big Big brother. ”
They agreed he was a big brother. (forgetting their older brother Elmo)
Then they went off to watch TV n play. I fell asleep thinking it was good my kids knew they had a baby brother named EanAndrew n that I Love him So very much.
Now they also love him n Remember him too.