An Unnamed Stage of Fear after the Loss a Baby

An Unnamed Stage of Fear after the Loss a Baby

Am I regressing? I did slack in my relaxation techniques over the summer? I am starting to feel anxious for my living children’s safety on a daily basis. The thought of losing another child is never far from my mind and thus all activities, outings, even simple things are peppered with worry. If my newborn sleeps longer than normal, I lay in bed worrying about SIDS. We recently visited a farm and my two year old daughter rode a horse and I nervously stood by fretting about the animal bucking. I’m anxious about drowning at bath time and during swim lessons, choking at meals, being hit by a car as we cross the street. This I feel is the tangible reality, the daily stress of living life after the loss of a child. I have known a sorrow so great that my new-self is...

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Synchronicity in our Shared Experience

Synchronicity in our Shared Experience

It is called synchronicity in the law of attraction; when things align and come together in an almost magical, seemingly ordained manner. Last week I read a Winnie the Pooh book to my daughter and felt sweet encouragement for the journey of navigating the emotional days following the loss of my baby Zachary. I posted last Wednesday about these amazing words that Christopher Robin spoke to Pooh, words that seemed as if they were written specifically for me.     Then, as I was looking around on the Edmonton Walk to Remember website, I was thrilled to find the same quote by A. A. Milne on the home page atop sweetly drawn trees with a blue bird perched above. Coincidence? I doubt it. It seems like the universe or God or whoever/whatever is out there is trying to tell...

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Alexis Marie Chute, Speaker at Walk to Remember, Edmonton 2012

Alexis Marie Chute, Speaker at Walk to Remember, Edmonton 2012

I have accepted the honor of being the keynote speaker at Walk to Remember this year, which will be held in Edmonton at the end of September. When I got the call from one of the organizers asking me to speak, my first reaction was one of overwhelming gratitude and humility. Walk to Remember has played an important role in my life since I lost my son and even prior. My first time attending, back in 2010, I was only two weeks shy of losing Zachary. I was 28 weeks pregnant and round, carrying my ever present grief very physically within me. My husband and I knew what was coming for our son; it was only a matter of time. A beautiful yet sad women approached me and said, “You must be so happy to be pregnant again,” as she lay a longing hand on my stomach. “Actually,”...

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Hard Advice for those Trying to Conceive

Hard Advice for those Trying to Conceive

Many women who have lost a child see having another baby as the next step in their healing. While I do agree with this, I also caution women and couples not to jump too hastily into TTC (trying to conceive). Instead, I encourage spending a good quantity of time devoted to grief and healing before trying again. Our culture favors instant gratification and aims to avoid pain at all costs – but healing a broken heart is not a quick fix (a band-aid will not do the trick) or something to be avoided (we may metaphorically bleed out if not attended to). Even though the cliché saying “Time heals all wounds” makes us who have lost a child gag, there is a seed of truth to be found within that statement – although I’m sure this is not what any of us want to...

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Love is Worth it All

Love is Worth it All

Today I will be speaking at a memorial service for families who have lost babies. I am remembering Zachary today, missing him as always and wishing he was in my arms. I prepared the words I share with the utmost care, expressing my journey in the best way I know how. I hope that it can be an encouragement to even just one person who hears or for any one of you who reads it here. Please, remember with me… Did the world change over night? Food lacks a hint of flavor, the sky now an off shade of grey. My friends seem distant, career a mere time clock in mundane routine. Who is this person in the mirror? This weathered soul looking back at me? This is not my life. The world did not change. I changed. I changed the moment my son was diagnosed for death when I...

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